Your Favorite Wrestlers As the People You See At Every Goth Club
Main image courtesy of WWE.com. Other images from YouTube unless noted otherwise.
When you start to feel comfortable in a scene, you start to recognize the roles people take on. Social attention tends to turn us all into caricatures, which is what wrestlers are by default. Maybe it’s all the eye makeup, but I can’t help but see some of those same roles from Goth Night up there in the ring. Maybe it’s because the bar is right down the street from the VFW.
1. Alexa Bliss: Came Straight from the Mall
Credit: WWE.com
Clothes by Hot Topic, teeth by Spirit Halloween, attitude by Baby Gap. Which sounds like criticism, but we were all her once, and honestly she’s really sweet. The gap between her genuine naïveté and the affectation of cynicism is charming, but if you ever said this out loud she’d ruin you on Twitter.
2. Marty Scurll: Mocks Hot Topic, Definitely Bought that Shirt at Hot Topic
Credit: NJPW1972.com
You get it. He didn’t like Suicide Squad. But his disdain for the way people market to goths these days doesn’t hide where he’s getting all his Crow merch.
3. EVIL: Only ‘80s Goth is Real Goth
This man has opinions about Joy Division and his look is impeccable. He’s almost exactly what you picture when you just think the word “goth,” but if he requests one more goddamn Bauhaus song then you’re going to leave screaming. He claims to have met David Vanian in a bar once, which is probably not true.
4. Baron Corbin: Just said “Poseur” without Irony in 2017
Credit: WWE.com
He only reads Anne Rice. He doesn’t drink…wine. And he is exhausting. Your friends all seem to like him, so you keep giving him the benefit of the doubt, but every time it just becomes another freshman seminar about Poe.
5. Arik Cannon: Pals with the Bartender
He’s definitely smiling more than anyone else here, and that’s a surprisingly tight competition. You can’t hear what he’s talking about with the bartender, but you know sure as hell every drink he orders comes back full strength. You sip your colored water and seethe with jealousy. His black plaid is a nod to gothabilly, but he’s probably here every night.
6. Su Yung: Legitimately Frightening
She looked at your neck when you were introduced. She’s still looking at it. Between all her makeup and the colored contact lenses, she’s falling into the uncanny valley and you almost can’t believe this is a human being and not a special effect. You wish she would teach you her ways.
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