The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo by John-Michael Bond
Change is hard. Millions of childhoods have been ruined by sudden changes—divorce, death, moving—it’s what we do in the face of those changes that matter. Take, for example, Twitter’s new interface changes for the web. Once upon a time, the site made sense. But then they developed a problem with nazi trolls and white supremacists on their website. The issue needed to be fixed, but only after they got done fixing every single other thing on their to-do list. Apparently, that to-do list includes “breaking the site and making it needlessly difficult to navigate.” The important thing is this; now that Twitter has broken their own website, maybe they’ll have time to fix something about the nazis.
While we’re waiting, here are the funniest Tweets of the Week! We’ve embedded them to make it easier than ever for you to follow the folks who make you laugh the most.
This clip from the Fox show Beat Shazam is the bleakest thing on television. Darker than Euphoria or Chernobyl. I implore you to watch the entire clip pic.twitter.com/exocXvCaVg
— Mike Abrusci (@mikeabrusci) July 15, 2019
Nobody’s Dick Is Big If You Think About How Small We Really Are In This Universe
— big dick tequila (@tequila_dick) July 12, 2019
I saw De La Soul perform tonight and the applause when they asked “Who here is 40 and over?” was so loud it drowned out everyone’s giant 90s jeans flapping in the wind.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) July 14, 2019
choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so i don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life
— CHRIS FARREN (@chrisfarren) July 13, 2019
it’s my knee u guys https://t.co/a2GolR9P1s
— nope (@LilNasX) July 14, 2019
Happy anniversary to my camp boyfriend. We dated for 4 days. He touched my ankle in the fishing van.We made out on the beach but I had a tick on me so we went to the nurse. He dumped me bc I said I’d drop out of high school & move to New Zealand to be with him 7/14/05-7/18/05
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) July 14, 2019
Capitalism is so great that it:
1. Creates homelessness while there are more vacant homes than homeless people.
2. Creates hunger while 40% of the food produced in the U.S. and Canada is wasted.
3. Poisons the environment and then shames you into buying “green” products.
— Clara Sorrenti (@ClaraSorrenti) July 13, 2019
how to effectively use vision boards to improve your dating life! pic.twitter.com/USBhtpCKqB
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 15, 2019
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
— adam (@burgerkrang) July 15, 2019
— Liv (@LivvyFanon) July 15, 2019
When I was in high school my guy friend asked if I watched porn and I lied and said I did and he asked what key words I usually used but I had no idea what he was talking about and thought he meant password so I was just like “Idk usually something simple like my dog’s name.”
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) July 15, 2019
Yeah things are bad now but at least we no longer have a separate name for straight men who don’t want to fight anyone and have good hygiene pic.twitter.com/0SiYfvfV8i
— Anya Volz (@AnyaVolz) July 16, 2019
a male bee’s testicles explode during sex, killing him instantly. that means if u see a bee flying around, chances are he’s a virgin. lol fucken nerd
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) July 16, 2019
This is Sasha. She used to be in charge of looking out this window. Decided to confront her replacement. 13/10 just wants to talk pic.twitter.com/7f4vZmp1e7
— WeRateDogs™ (@dog_rates) July 17, 2019
Next person that asks me where I’m “really” from is getting a large close-up photo of my mother’s vagina.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) July 17, 2019
If you put all the people I’ve had sex with together in one room, you’d mostly just have an improv team.
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) July 17, 2019
hot girl summer pic.twitter.com/auzEZT1uPv
— zoë haylock (@zoe_alliyah) July 17, 2019
What’s the worst rejection you’ve felt? Mine is I asked if I could sleep with a guy and he said no he’s ‘saving his strength for Comic-Con’
— Amber Nelson (@AmberSmelson) July 17, 2019
“let’s all quit on the same day” is my fave erotic fantasy of late stage capitalism
— Tig Notaro (@TigNotaro) July 17, 2019
if i get an abortion can i get a teardrop tattoo ????
— twat pocket (@bsoIutelynot) July 17, 2019
Oddly enough, “SEND HER BACK” is exactly what he would tell Epstein when he found out any of his girls were 18 and over.
— Marcella Arguello (@marcellacomedy) July 18, 2019
RIP Jaboukie for trying to keep it real pic.twitter.com/MkDk91DA82
— Rebecca Rose (@auntbeckyrose) July 19, 2019
millennials: wow i want to die
landlords: nooo don’t kill yourself u gotta pay rent aha
— Revolver Volcelot (@costaggini) July 18, 2019
you’re totally allowed to say “I actually don’t know enough about that issue to have an opinion”
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) July 19, 2019
“love finds you”
well does this bitch need my address
— juju (@fatherjstn) July 18, 2019
Stop asking me to collab with other artists. I only collab with Jesus and I thought I made that clear
— Perfume Genius (@perfumegenius) July 18, 2019