The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo by John-Michael Bond
Coming back to work from a four day weekend can be hard on the soul. Thankfully this week was full of treats for the heart and mind alike. Uber-rich pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was arrested for sex trafficking, which isn’t funny but is incredible for humanity. On a lighter note, hundreds of thousands of Americans signed up to storm the gates of Area 51 and see just what is going on inside. We got a rare chance to ride the ying and yang of the news cycle this week, with both extremes being good news for once.
So let’s take one last victory lap around the last seven days with the gift of laughter. Here are the funniest Tweets from the last week. Read them while you figure out how to get to Nevada in September.
When I was 18 I made a fetlife account to meet other queer people and I thought watersports meant like jetskiing and tubing so as a joke I put that I was into it and for like a full year people sent me messages about piss and I had no idea why.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) July 7, 2019
I’m an empath and by empath I mean whenever someone else is feeling sad I decided to also feel sad and make it about myself
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) July 7, 2019
FRIENDS title sequence but Ross drowns
(I’m unemployed) pic.twitter.com/zxeQEkYWDG
— Ryan Mazer (@ryan_mazer) July 6, 2019
just found out the guy im dating is married. wild. i always just thought he was doing a bad borat impression.
— Dana Donnelly (@danadonly) July 7, 2019
can’t stop laughing at the fact that qanon conspiracy theorists are uninterested in an actual global pedophile ring that quite literally implicates two presidents, a member of the royal family & countless other members of the 1% all because it’s so straightforward
— Nick Usen (@nickusen) July 8, 2019
A woman just stormed into this bar while I was doing standup, threw her purse down, and screamed “IM LEAVING MY HUSBAND” and everyone applauded. God left this city long ago.
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) July 9, 2019
there’s a baby screaming at his own feet on the train and i do see where he’s coming from
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) July 8, 2019
How is this the photo pic.twitter.com/Bwk6f5bHwf
— Conner Habib (@ConnerHabib) July 10, 2019
America, it’s time for a Gamer to be President. My name is Ace Watkins and I am ready to be that Gamer. I urge you to peep my announcement video and smash that retweet button. The future of our country depends on it. pic.twitter.com/RuT4pS65K2
— Ace Watkins (@GamerPres2020) July 8, 2019
Three years sober today! Used to be I was sick and scared all the time, now when I touch a bone I absorb the deceased’s memories and become stronger/more impervious to pain. One day at a time my dudes!!!
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) July 11, 2019
Guys on dating apps are either like,
Unregulated capitalism has no moral restrictions.
OR
My job title is World Money at Trident Bank. Look at my (friend’s) boat do you want to come over and watch a movie at 1am?
— Sudi Green (@Sudi_Green) July 11, 2019
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) July 8, 2019
bro quit calling yourself a cinephile u scaring the hoes
— lit rally dying (@uhhmmmno) July 10, 2019
philip seymour hoffman’s ability to elevate material was so special. the man even somehow managed to produce a frankly awards worthy performance in along came polly pic.twitter.com/rBiKx3u8HR
— Nick Usen (@nickusen) July 10, 2019
As a gay kid I hated it but now as a gay adult I would kill to be mistaken for my mom on the phone one more time.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) July 11, 2019
Those two earthquakes were a real wake up call so I scrambled & prepped my go bag. pic.twitter.com/zpdLo3iSSm
— Janine Brito (@janinebrito) July 11, 2019
EVERYTHING IM TOO DUMB TO UNDERSTAND IS A CONSPIRACY AND EVERYTHING I DONT LIKE IS FAKE NEWS
— Jules Suzdaltsev (@jules_su) July 11, 2019
Amazon, 1999: A book store, but online!
Amazon, 2019: WE WANT TO BUILD SOMETHING CALLED A “WAR CLOUD.” https://t.co/kFUE1klDJ4
— Parker Molloy (@ParkerMolloy) July 9, 2019
I was DEVASTATED when Twitter went down so I made my own Twitter to hold me over. An hour without this very specific cesspool? No thanks! pic.twitter.com/PDrTfvopCC
— Rachel Wenitsky (@RachelWenitsky) July 11, 2019
So today at the gym I thought my trainer was flirting with me when he asked for my number/ to take a pic of me. Turns out he thought I resembled BUZZ LIGHTYEAR and sent me this. pic.twitter.com/f6SLyH2F33
— Emily Baumgartner (@embaummy) July 10, 2019
your mid 30’s is wild b/c you’ll see someone and assume they’re 10 years older than you but they’re one year younger and you’ll see some 14 year old at the bank but they’re actually 26 and processing mortgage applications
— Tweet Along Forever (@bombsfall) July 12, 2019
I don’t know who needs to hear this but hating yourself is not a personality …. it’s a full time 9-5 desk job with no insurance
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) July 5, 2019
How ima suprise my girl when I come back from area 51 pic.twitter.com/kmyk5ia7UW
— Osho (@Osho24782826) July 12, 2019