Coming back to work from a four day weekend can be hard on the soul. Thankfully this week was full of treats for the heart and mind alike. Uber-rich pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was arrested for sex trafficking, which isn’t funny but is incredible for humanity. On a lighter note, hundreds of thousands of Americans signed up to storm the gates of Area 51 and see just what is going on inside. We got a rare chance to ride the ying and yang of the news cycle this week, with both extremes being good news for once.
So let’s take one last victory lap around the last seven days with the gift of laughter. Here are the funniest Tweets from the last week. Read them while you figure out how to get to Nevada in September.
When I was 18 I made a fetlife account to meet other queer people and I thought watersports meant like jetskiing and tubing so as a joke I put that I was into it and for like a full year people sent me messages about piss and I had no idea why.
can’t stop laughing at the fact that qanon conspiracy theorists are uninterested in an actual global pedophile ring that quite literally implicates two presidents, a member of the royal family & countless other members of the 1% all because it’s so straightforward
A woman just stormed into this bar while I was doing standup, threw her purse down, and screamed “IM LEAVING MY HUSBAND” and everyone applauded. God left this city long ago.
America, it’s time for a Gamer to be President. My name is Ace Watkins and I am ready to be that Gamer. I urge you to peep my announcement video and smash that retweet button. The future of our country depends on it. pic.twitter.com/RuT4pS65K2
Three years sober today! Used to be I was sick and scared all the time, now when I touch a bone I absorb the deceased’s memories and become stronger/more impervious to pain. One day at a time my dudes!!!
philip seymour hoffman’s ability to elevate material was so special. the man even somehow managed to produce a frankly awards worthy performance in along came polly pic.twitter.com/rBiKx3u8HR
I was DEVASTATED when Twitter went down so I made my own Twitter to hold me over. An hour without this very specific cesspool? No thanks! pic.twitter.com/PDrTfvopCC
So today at the gym I thought my trainer was flirting with me when he asked for my number/ to take a pic of me. Turns out he thought I resembled BUZZ LIGHTYEAR and sent me this. pic.twitter.com/f6SLyH2F33
your mid 30’s is wild b/c you’ll see someone and assume they’re 10 years older than you but they’re one year younger and you’ll see some 14 year old at the bank but they’re actually 26 and processing mortgage applications
