The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
I live in a state that is rushing to reopen, against the advice of actual medical experts. It’s real cool. Those wire photos you’ve seen of manicurists and hair stylists basically wearing hazmat suits could’ve been taken like two miles from my house. Just the coolest. Georgia’s willingness to put its own people at risk in the name of business is so overwhelmingly cool that I gotta find ways to handle it, and one of the big ones is staring at a dumb Twitter feed all day, liking jokes about the pandemic and ESPN’s Michael Jordan documentary and, of course, as always, Animal Crossing: New Horizons. This right here is the result: our weekly compendium of the tweets that we liked enough to tap a tiny icon on our phone screen. Dig it!
[Jonestown]
JIM JONES [seeing everyone dying after drinking cyanide-laced Flavor-Aid] I WAS BEING SARCASTIC— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) April 24, 2020
That Michael Jordan doc really should have been called ‘Earth Jam.’
— Tim Barnes (@TimBarnes451) April 24, 2020
everything might be a nightmare but at least it’s fun watching the people who painted themselves into a corner insisting Trump is a genius try and reverse engineer meaning into sentences like “what if we put uh, nuclear… into the body. injecting nuclear? it could work”
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) April 25, 2020
daily routine pic.twitter.com/RcVMsiitWE
— Francis (@franscrossing) April 24, 2020
I could have told you Jake Fromm was going to drop in the Draft as soon as he made his Twitter name JakefromStateFromm instead of JakeFrommStateFarm. That kind of poor decision making doesn’t fly in the NFL. pic.twitter.com/BzXb6h1C30
— Austin Pendergist (@apthirteen) April 25, 2020
I still remember running into Kim Jong Un at UCB Chelsea in like ’08-09. Even though he was huge at the time, he still watched my whole set and took me aside to tell me all about the business. Can’t believe he’s gone.
— Devin Delliquanti (@DevDell) April 25, 2020
Saw a sign that said “move over, coffee, this is a job for wine” and like. No. We’re not pitting two strong women against eachother like that. Not in 2020.
— the golden flow to top it off (@annielkozak) April 27, 2020
people talk about how nerd culture is “cool” now but remember when a bunch of dweebs threw an absolute tantrum because a star trek movie trailer used “sabotage” by beastie boys? could you be less cool than that?
— tres dean (@treswritesstuff) April 27, 2020
malls are reopening. it’s time pic.twitter.com/UZZqi051qQ
— Gene Park (@GenePark) April 27, 2020
yknow that photo of the dustbowl mom clutching her two children this is the millennial equivalent pic.twitter.com/e4ChvBPqTF
— samantha (@a_nice_frog) April 28, 2020
me portrait of a lady on fire-ing in quarantine alone pic.twitter.com/Dl58zXhRQ4
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) April 28, 2020
Back when people still interacted face to face, like real human beings. https://t.co/Y9cwibJ9yx
— ???? ?????? (@JoshZerkle) April 28, 2020
Back when people still interacted face to face, like real human beings. https://t.co/Y9cwibJ9yx
— ???? ?????? (@JoshZerkle) April 28, 2020
When you lie on your resume but still get the job…. pic.twitter.com/gbGYDhsnNw
— You Have One Job, Stay Indoors (@_youhadonejob1) April 29, 2020
The cat definitely wrote the headline and subheadhttps://t.co/0rzSWA6g4ypic.twitter.com/atBMh92n1E
— Daniel MacEachern (@DanMacEachern) April 29, 2020
“First one always goes to Blathers” I say as I hand my new born child to the owl
— Big Tucson Dad (@BigTucsonDad) April 29, 2020
was your dad a:
• beatles dad
• stones dad
• who dad
• hendrix dad
• aaron copeland dad
• an alcoholic— SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) April 30, 2020
America getting ready to reopen pic.twitter.com/b6mM0M5cxH
— Keith Edwards (@keithedwards) April 30, 2020
Ooh, it’s the last day of April! Which means tomorrow… pic.twitter.com/jDRHf67HYa
— Eliana Kwartler (@ElianaKwartler) May 1, 2020
british ppl be like idk if im busy that day let me check my pic.twitter.com/lhoXnC6wkx
— Beans After Dark (@goodbeanalt) May 1, 2020