The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
One of the big news items of the week—or, at least, one of the big news items of the week that didn’t make everybody even more depressed and stressed out than they already were—was the birth of Grimes and Elon Musk’s baby. The musician and tech world weirdo welcomed their first child into the world on May 4, and then promptly named him X Æ A-12, which would be a cruel thing to name even a spaceship, much less a human child. (I’m pretty sure my brother had the old Kenner Star Wars figure for X Æ A-12—he was one of the critters in the cantina scene.) Obviously there were some good tweets about that (especially since Musk’s very public midlife crisis has always been highly tweetable) and obviously you’ll find some of them below.
If you’re wondering why we’ve been reduced to making jokes about a newborn’s silly name, it’s because the world itself has been reduced to something worth completely ignoring. This is a hard time, friends. Let some funny tweets maybe take your mind off of it for a few minutes. Well, except for the tweets that are specifically ABOUT how hard this time is now, and how terribly everybody in power is acting—it’ll probably be hard to forget about the world when you’re reading those. Sorry about that.
Alex Jones : Chuck E. Cheese
(sound up) pic.twitter.com/FDG3S2gjEn
— ElElegante101 (@skolanach) May 1, 2020
Very American to decide we are bored with COVID and therefore it is over
— Jeff Kasanoff (@JeffKasanoff) May 3, 2020
“And remember: If you start losing your hair at a young age, growing it out longer just makes you look more bald.” – me, concluding a commencement address
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) May 4, 2020
Screenwriting tip: Find excuses to have your characters say a BUNCH of dates. Twitter users will screen grab these and use them as free annual commercials for your movie long after you are dead. pic.twitter.com/dQ3jbibGj3
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 3, 2020
The best type of cash is cold hard
— whitmer thomas (@WhitmerThomas) May 6, 2020
•X, for an eXciting baby!
•Æ, as in “Aaaaaay, look at this baby!”
•A-12 = an ‘A’ rating for being a baby, and 12/10 for being a h*ckin good baby— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) May 6, 2020
X Æ A-12…. the first baby to be born canceled
— Jae Bearhat (@fussybabybitch) May 5, 2020
did a llama write this pic.twitter.com/bGQTIytqiC
— Seth Fiegerman (@sfiegerman) May 6, 2020
Men say they’re standing 6′ apart but it’s really more like 5’10”
— Lil Semicolon (@PETEKEELEY) April 29, 2020
Dolly Parton writing “I Will Always Love You” and “Jolene” in the same day is mind blowing.
It’d be like if Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa then turned around in the same day and wrote “Jolene”
— Wenzler Powers (@WenzlerPowers) May 6, 2020
I WAS TOLD BY APPLECARE THAT I COULD KILL YOUR GRANDMA https://t.co/XHGKjTkUHS
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) May 6, 2020
Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.
— Nate Swick (@N8Swick) May 6, 2020
Just saw Parasite is on Hulu and I’m thinkin that capitalism allegory will hit on a whole different level if it’s interrupted by 15 Red Bull commercials
— Bam Margesimpson (@CrappyFumes) May 7, 2020
I wish Denzel Washington would trend but for a good reason. I’ve got the perfect GIF.
— Melinda Taub (@MelindaTaub) May 7, 2020
J. Crew might be bankrupt but at least our Banana Republic is thriving
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) May 7, 2020
just for the record: we all stayed home for two months and these dumb fucks in charge didn’t use that time for anything other than to lie about shit and then open everything back up like things were gonna magically get better
— Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano) May 7, 2020
mentally feeling like dumbledore when he aged 50 years in 11 years time pic.twitter.com/liBWQPmYtV
— alice (@grangershug) May 7, 2020
Later today the bang bus will be driving through lower Manhattan to salute frontline workers
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) May 7, 2020
the wienermobile will be doing donuts in the costco parking lot blasting foghat and honking it’s horn to honor healthcare workers
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) May 7, 2020
Jerry Seinfeld’s new special has jokes that are older than his wife was when he met her in high school.
— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) May 7, 2020
Might fuck around and age rapidly during this thing.
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) May 8, 2020
If I die of COVID you have my permission to wing my dead body at Trump during a press conference like that guy who threw a shoe at Bush
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) May 8, 2020
— Dan Licata (@danlicatasucks) May 7, 2020
my favorite thing about jared is how excruciating he makes mere existence look pic.twitter.com/WeeBslUk99
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) May 8, 2020
#TGIFpic.twitter.com/TWGrhhxZtJ
— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) May 1, 2020