Remember when that couple of 50 or 60 year old white folks stood outside their old museum-looking mansion with a pistol and a machine gun while a peaceful protest marched by? That was this week. It might feel like it was a few months ago, but nope, it just happened. 2020 has ruined, disrupted, or undermined pretty much every part of life, but its biggest victim of all was time. We’re moving at light speed while not going anywhere at all. It’s fucked, and sometimes the only thing you can really do about it is make dumb jokes on Twitter. So here are the best of those dumb weeks from this week—the funniest, smartest, sharpest things we’ve seen on the dumb social media app since last Friday. Check ‘em out and remember to follow everyone of these folks if you’re on Twitter yourself.
someone said Willy Wonka is just Saw for children and I’ve never heard something so controversial yet so brave
— rad dad (@ohemgeeijizzed) June 26, 2020
I will if he promises not to pour water over it https://t.co/HO2NdjExps
— Mohanad?? (@MohanadElshieky) June 27, 2020
Ugh. And he was my primary care physician, too. pic.twitter.com/7zu1XZ7Uty
— todd levin (@toddlevin) June 27, 2020
Thomas Jefferson writing the Declaration of Independence is the absolute #1 fake-woke bro post of ALL TIME FIGHT ME.
— Johnny McNulty (@JohnnyMcNulty) June 28, 2020
I miss the old days when a Karen was just the woman who flushed all OUR COCAINE DOWN THE TOILET, KAREN. WHY DID YOU DO THAT KAREN? THAT WAS WORTH $60,000 THAT WAS ALL THE MONEY WE HAD, KAREN! WHY DID YOU DO THAT? WHY? OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD.
— karms (@IanKarmel) June 28, 2020
— Cody Meirick (@ScaryStoriesDoc) June 18, 2020
me as a lawyer:
“Hey judge, could I borrow your little hammer? I’ve got something fun planned.”
pulls out tiny watermelon
— Mike Carrozza, Butt Dentist DDS, Esq. (@mikecarrozza) February 13, 2019
I get it now. They’re called Gen Z because they’re the very last generation.
— Justin Staggs (@Staggfilms) June 28, 2020
Every year a late night host gives an interview that’s like “and then I realized…our staff was not diverse! Huh!” as he is being brought coffee by both his interns who just happen to be Ray Romano’s sons.
— av clark (@annevclark) June 28, 2020
Finally some good news, scientists discovered a treatment that can reduce COVID19 transmission by 70%, and its just a piece a cloth you wear in front of your dumb fucking face
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) June 26, 2020
I was once a gifted child and now I spend 14 hours a day refreshing twitter in split screen with youtube videos I’ve already seen
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) June 28, 2020
surely we can do more to combat the spread of corona than absolutely nothing
— ziwe (@ziwe) June 28, 2020
Bruce Wayne at a Motörhead show: Shit, there was something I was supposed to do tonight. What was it? Was there a parent-teacher meeting at Dick’s school or something?
Lemmy: AND DON’T FORGET THE JOKER
Bruce Wayne: frantically running out of the arena fuck fuck shit hell fuck
— Pelotonwitch (@khalborland) June 28, 2020
Black people: stop killing us!
Skincare brands: we’re discontinuing our charcoal masks.
— Ego Nwodim (@eggy_boom) June 28, 2020
hadn’t seen this one until now but it really completes the scene for me. what’s more American than marching barefoot and wild-eyed onto the front lawn of your ostentatious faux-castle in a mustard-stained shirt to brandish guns at people protesting police killings pic.twitter.com/UL18l0V6RX
— actually it’s good (@yungchomsky) June 29, 2020
Every guy with a wife is some sort of wife guy, you just haven’t been exposed yet
— maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) June 29, 2020
Fox News has done to our parents what they thought gangsta rap would do to us pic.twitter.com/7tv5SRb6Xz
— Seltzer In Place (@VernorsHerzog) June 29, 2020
When someone says Green Book didn’t deserve the Oscar for Best Picture. pic.twitter.com/Dxr9NME0op
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) June 29, 2020
Not loving this season’s LL Bean catalogue pic.twitter.com/9JkwlPkCNH
— Sarah Sweeney (@heysarahsweeney) June 29, 2020
I’d been fearing just this. pic.twitter.com/dLLH5HVkfC
— Whit Stillman (@WhitStillman) June 24, 2020
A transphobe, a racist, a homophobe and an anti-semite walk into a bar.
The Bartender says “Hey, aren’t you that lady who wrote Harry Potter?”
— She/HerWhoMustNotBeNamed (@BurgundyBitch72) June 28, 2020
— carina d3a (@carinadea) June 29, 2020
If I were in a Coen Brothers movie I would simply not let a single bad decision escalate out of control until my life was ruined along with everything I ever cared about
— Rowan Kaiser (@RowanKaiser) June 30, 2020
Never forget how much Carl Reiner loved The Net (1995) pic.twitter.com/1Gu65n1s5B
— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) June 30, 2020
The fact that Carl Reiner hung out with the same buddies for the last 70-odd years of his life, just like eating deli sandwiches and trying to make each other laugh, is the most crystalline expression of “squad goals” I’ve ever seen. I just think it’s great.
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) June 30, 2020
It’s here! The bread from the man who killed your friend Dave! pic.twitter.com/QFC2JiXNuA
— Gourmet Spud (@gourmetspud) June 30, 2020
There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen, and there is 2020 which will never end but will outlive us all.
— In these difficult times, (@babadookspinoza) June 30, 2020
Please watch this 35 second Magnum clip. I have not stopped laughing. pic.twitter.com/nneXjJxUPj
— Chris “Wear A Mask” Driver (@Jerkwheatery) June 30, 2020
Literally what is jersey Mike’s doing. pic.twitter.com/9XohWNOa4n
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) July 1, 2020
I fucking love having a government that has two functions
1. Killing people
2. Letting people die— B?yan (@MurderBryan) June 30, 2020
now and then I run across someone who doesn’t know the creator of Dilbert is full-on batshit crazy so if you’re one of those people sorry for ruining your day pic.twitter.com/fFW509yZzv
— shauna (@goldengateblond) July 1, 2020
don’t ever let imposter syndrome get you. the guy who created dilbert is one of the dumbest people alive. nothing matters. make your thing.
— Matt Buechele (@mattbooshell) July 1, 2020
been awhile since i read dilbert but it’s buckwild as hell now pic.twitter.com/Pu8ZkbFtyT
— untitled struggle tweeter (@KickSewly) July 1, 2020
Applying for jobs in the middle of a pandemic pic.twitter.com/wRLgclUIL2
— Dan (@kingdeficit) July 2, 2020
We gotta rebrand covid as the knockout game so our white families will be scared of it happening to them.
— luke (@lukeoneil47) July 2, 2020
Watch Hamilton with a critical eye. There are some major historical inaccuracies. Many of these large musical numbers never happened.
— James Colley (@JamColley) July 3, 2020
— David Crosby (@thedavidcrosby) July 3, 2020