Let’s take a brief moment during the ongoing catastrophe that is this world to reflect on what really matters: the tweets. The tweets are the straw that stirs the drink, the face that runs the place, the cliche that goes all the way. This week? It wasn’t a good one! In fact there’s never been a good week, at least as far back as we can remember, all the way back to the middle of March. What a bunch of bad weeks, falling all over each other for months, every single time Sunday turns to Monday. Maybe these words that were left on the internet by strangers will make things infinitesimally less miserable for the next 30 seconds? Let’s find out! And hey, follow all of these tweeters: that’s the least you can do for ‘em.
u ever procrastinated so hard you checked your credit score
Syndicated columnists get their ideas by being at a manhattan dinner party and watching a 26 year old their 52 year old friend is dating eat the last crostini and then they write an article called Millenials Need to Stop Eating the Last Crostini
If I ever die from COVID, please know that my dying wish is that my corpse be catapulted at high speed directly into Mitch McConnell’s bedroom window at 3 am
Currently staying with my parents. They have eggs for breakfast on Wednesday and Sunday. These days are now both known as “Egg Day.” They plan for Egg Day days in advance. The night before an Egg Day they talk about how excited they are for Egg Day. They’ve been married 35 years.
Thinking about becoming a respected journalist for a few years then transitioning into being widely mocked and permanently mad online, just to see how all that works out
“ok so earlier today my wife and I were fleeing the city. We were given very explicit instructions to not look back. Well, my wife did and she turned into a pillar of salt”
