The Funniest Tweets of the Week
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Each week we strive to bring you the funniest Tweets of the week, but this week we have an extra gift. Twitter is a powerful medium for jokes, but it’s equally great for telling stories. Following the death of his grandmother, one Twitter user took to the platform to share a story about her love of D&D. Before you read the funniest Tweets of the week, click this link to read the the best piece of storytelling from the last seven days.
My grandmother passed away. Her funerals were today, but here I’d like to talk about the most important thing I couldn’t spend too much time on in her eulogy: her love for Dungeons & Dragons. #DnD
— Antoine H. (@AntnHz) August 23, 2019
Now that you’re done, here are the funniest Tweets of the Week.
Diana was murdered and this is still the worst thing anyone’s ever done to her https://t.co/ty3ZAqdzxv
— Rosie (@rosieb_98) August 29, 2019
Hey! Your show looks so fun! I’d love to do it sometime. My credits include being a man and being really rude to you one time at a party. Can’t wait to hear from you!
— Allison O’Conor (@allisonoconor) August 23, 2019
I’m really disappointed in the behavior and lack of civility from so many of you. David Koch died and some of you still haven’t made a joke about it. I guess this is what happens when society goes to shit. Absolutely shameful.
— beth, hurricane fighter (@bourgeoisalien) August 23, 2019
It’s going to be a looooong time before I will be able to stop thinking about “Lizzo, I hear you, but Elizabeth Warren is that bitch!” pic.twitter.com/ScGgwip0xG
— Will Menaker (@willmenaker) August 24, 2019
hits blunt
When Ariana Grande sang “whoever said money can’t solve your problems must not‘ve had enough money to solve them” it wasn’t a bourgeoisie flex: it was a commentary of how capitalism compels us to respond to deprivation with coping and resilience. In this essay I wil
— inorganic african feminist (@ztsamudzi) August 25, 2019
I love stand up comedy. It’s the only career where you can talk about how hard working and committed someone is and then witness them do ten minutes on how lazy they are and how much they don’t give a fuck.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) August 26, 2019
Growing up, when a thunderstorm started getting real bad, all the families on our street would shoot at it until it backed off.
— Billy Wayne Davis (@BillyWayneDavis) August 26, 2019
I dated a guy that used to call me his brown eyed girl, like the song.
He dumped me for his ex-girlfriend, so he has a new brown eyed girl now.
Her eyes are blue, she’s just more into ass play than I’ll ever be.
Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-lalalala
— Katrina (@katrinasivad) August 27, 2019
THIS IS THE MOST PATRICK KINDLON I WILL GO ON THIS APP: WE NOW REACHED THE POINT IN THE AMAZON FIRES WHERE VEGANS ARE DENOUNCING VEGANS FOR USING THE FIRE AS A PLATFORM TO TALK ABOUT VEGANISM.I COULD HAVE SCRIPTED THIS 2 WEEKS AGO WITH A MADE UP CONTROVERSY. LIFE IS A SIMULATION
— REGIONAL JUSTICE CENTER (@regionaljustice) August 27, 2019
Do I think I’m tough enough to survive in the cutthroat business world of HBO’s Succession? Yes. Did I once get worried that my doctor was mad at me because I didn’t say goodbye before I moved to another city? Also yes.
— Dan Sheehan (@ItsDanSheehan) August 28, 2019
somewhere in brooklyn right now there’s a guy who met mac demarco once at a party explaining class oppression to a girl with 14 stick and poke tattoos while his republican mom sends him rent money
— stehp (@celinedion69) August 27, 2019
I am truly sorry to those I have offended by expressing interest in Biden dropping out. I was not aware that not everybody has heard anything he’s said in the past six months and I apologize for not taking those people into consideration.
xoxo, cmk
— Cameron Kasky (@cameron_kasky) August 28, 2019
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
people who buy one notebook at a time and write in it until there is no more paper leftpeople who own between 10-100 notebooks at any time that have four pages filled out at the beginning & one random phone # scrawled in the middle— rachel syme (@rachsyme) August 28, 2019
Look I know he’s a horrible idiot that’s going to get us all killed but this is so fucking funny https://t.co/8lmbXhc9rs
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) August 29, 2019
Suck her finger and keep your mouth like that then walk to the store https://t.co/580qYgtJrh
— fingerblaster 3000 (@papipalmtree) August 28, 2019
Dave Chappelle is kinda my idol ‘cause it’s always been my goal to walk away from 50 million dollars after realizing audiences are laughing in a way that belittles the struggles of my people then return a decade later to make that money back by belittling the struggles of others.
— Curtis Cook (@Curtis_Cook) August 29, 2019
eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to
— corie johnson (@corietjohnson) August 29, 2019
lol at people who think they’re a hypochondriac for using WebMD. Hit me up when you’re paying urgent care doctors hundreds of dollars a month to say stuff like “if your throat was closing up, your throat would be closing up”
— Moss Perricone (@mossperricone) August 29, 2019
Being a lesbian is hard in the summer. Every day I wake up and my denim jacket asks “Today?” and I go “Not today, buddy. But soon. So soon.”
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) August 29, 2019