The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
This week, we learned the answer to the question, “Did anyone even see Ford v Ferrari?” Apparently, the dads of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences did as it was one of the nine films to pick up a Best Picture nomination for this year’s Academy Awards. What a weird-ass line-up we got this year. J.Lo and the Sandman were snubbed, The King of Comedy (oh, sorry, they’re calling it Joker now) racked up the most nominations, and this year’s war movie was apparently very different from every other year’s war movie and therefore totally needed. Between screaming “Justice for Greta” and arguing about bagels, Twitter was pretty damn funny this week.
there’s going to be a point in my life where my son looks up at me and thinks “gee, my mom knows EVERYTHING!” and then he’ll get to 6th grade math class… and i’ll say “well, kid, this is where we part ways.”
— Hannah Einbinder (@HannahEinbinder) January 15, 2020
Gmail when you sign in from your kitchen instead of in your living room… https://t.co/Exi2qtTW72
— period (@icedoutpateks) January 12, 2020
i Refuse to do dirty talk for men i will simply yell “Do u know how lucky u are” until either i cum or he dies
— helena (@freshhel) January 10, 2020
I usually hate name dropping but I did get out of jury duty by knowing the murderer
— zach reinert (@zachreinert0) January 10, 2020
sending an email haha take that you absolute mother fucker
receiving an email ah shit! fuck! what the fuck!!!!!!!! shit!
— matt lubchansky (@Lubchansky) January 11, 2020
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
— Pats A’ Tweetin (@PatsATweetin) January 12, 2020
not a single oscar nomination for Carly Rae Jepsen’s EMOTION… just because it “isn’t a film” and “came out in 2015”…disgusting
— adam (@suspiriadam) January 13, 2020
fifty year old man writing teen girls voice “so first things first, they all hate each other and say bitch a lot. they’re incredibly conniving but also, and this is key, extremely naive”
— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) January 13, 2020
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) January 14, 2020
Thinkin of tweeting something like “Greta. Fucking. Gerwig. That is all” just to pick up a quick couple thousand likes.
— Brad Austin (@Brad_Austin_) January 14, 2020
[Working train ticket counter at midnight]
ME: Where to?GUY FROM THAT JOURNEY SONG: Anywhere.
ME: Fine. This is our most expensive ticket, it goes to Branson Missouri.
GUY FROM THAT JOURNEY SONG: Wait, no.
ME: Bitch then pick your own destination. This isn’t how trains work.
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) January 13, 2020
A private podcast is known as a “friendship”
— Alena Smith (@internetalena) January 14, 2020
despite what film twitter would have you believe, today was an epic win for representation https://t.co/28YmzqvsjS
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) January 13, 2020
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) January 13, 2020
go ahead and get in the pond since u wanna act like a silly goose
— benjamin (@lowendfury) January 13, 2020
Fun fact: Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel while on his back cause once they’re on their shell a turtle can’t flip over
— Steeve again (@steeve_again) January 14, 2020
I refuse to believe these have a name besides “doctor office toy” pic.twitter.com/Da5F4dWlzz
— the drake gatsby (@DrakeGatsby) January 14, 2020
Just had that awkward gay moment where a guy tried to fist-bump me and I stumbled and listed every Best Supporting Actress winner from 1971 to now.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) January 15, 2020
Photographer: act like you’re at a party pic.twitter.com/4mTZwg7f5k
— Sarah Tollemache (@stollemache) January 16, 2020
I have a $25 Nordstrom Rack gift card and boy am I acting like it!!
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 16, 2020