Do weeks even still exist? I mean the calendar has always been a mutual suggestion that we all just go along with, but with what’s happening right now—the virus, the quarantine, the galactically deranged president stressing the whole world out with his daily fits and embarrassments—the concept of time has never been less important. I’m writing this on a Friday morning, I’m told, but who knows if that’s true? Who would even care? Does it matter when I’m writing this, or when I post it—assuming hastily assembled galleries of other people’s tweets “matter” to any extent whatsoever? Or is this just another in a litany of trivialities I’ve devoted my life too—one more insipid bit of business to rush through before I can get back to my true calling of lying perfectly still in a bed while staring at the ceiling and crying softly?
I dunno, bro.
Here are the funniest tweets of the week.
If CoronaVirus kills enough people Trump will pardon it and become friends with it#politics
— scharpling (@scharpling) April 10, 2020
A Facebook friend left their kid’s chocolate Easter Bunny in the car a little too long and, uh pic.twitter.com/fxnHiRpFtP
— socially-distanced apolygetics (@JThomasReese) April 11, 2020
Well, millennials finally stopped going out for avocado toast. Can everybody afford a house now?
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) April 12, 2020
Boris Johnson’s life being saved by the NHS is like the CEO of Netflix not being hit by lightning because he ducked inside a Blockbuster Video.
— Jeremy Woodcock (@jwPencilAndPad) April 12, 2020
Just think how bad the 4 previous Maroons must’ve been
— Pessimus Prime Minister (@BigJDubz) April 13, 2020
in regards to biden’s mediocrity democrats will say stuff like “who cares! i’d vote for a dog as long as it isn’t trump!” and here’s the deal: you’re all missing a great opportunity to run a dog for president
— Shark Souls (original game idea) (@bombsfall) April 11, 2020
“Sir, that’s an ingenious way to avoid getting the Coronavirus.”
“Coronavirus?” pic.twitter.com/blKwhOa6Z0
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) April 10, 2020
hmm bernie just openly endorsed someone accused of sexual assault? no thank you. this is why i never supported bernie and will continue to support of joe biden for president
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) April 13, 2020
Thank god, the CNN chyron writer is finally correcting this nonsense pic.twitter.com/hqvU10Xsxd
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) April 13, 2020
Tom Hanks is so likable that he’s hosted Saturday Night Live TEN TIMES and we don’t hold it against him.
— Casey (@CaseyMalone) April 14, 2020
“Pizza Hut used to be a fairly nice sit down restaurant” is my generations version of “this all used to be farmland as far as the eye can see.”
— Joseph Christ (@TheJosephChrist) April 14, 2020
Trump blaming the World Health Organization for coronavirus is like him blaming Gamblers Anonymous for his failed casinos
— Matt Oswalt (@MattOswaltVA) April 14, 2020
If I Told You My Idea Was a Robot That Harasses Chickens, You Wouldn’t Believe Me. But That’s My Best Idea. By Thomas Friedman pic.twitter.com/GVaJ2yoah4
— Hamilton Nolan (@hamiltonnolan) April 15, 2020
neighborhood coyotes are howling at the moon again ….. but i’m not . just another reason i am better than coyotes
— steph mccann (@steph_mcca) April 15, 2020
get off our dicks man let us live pic.twitter.com/PFQPi6jSf9
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) April 15, 2020
everyone made fun of Rebecca Black for singing “yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday” but now I’d kill to have that much confidence in what day it is
— Michael Good (@michaelgooood) April 14, 2020
— (@2damntrans) April 15, 2020
If anyone figures out the right answer to “how are you doing” please let me know.
— PJ Vogt (@PJVogt) April 15, 2020
Losing my fucking MIND at this Quibi show where actual Emmy winner Rachel Brosnahan plays a woman obsessed with her golden arm pic.twitter.com/rSfqCv75SG
— Zach Raffio (@zachraffio) April 15, 2020
when the stimulus check hits pic.twitter.com/yVFZ9fBqDg
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) April 15, 2020
Me getting ready for my Zoom call pic.twitter.com/cYyx6XEPd8
— Nell Scovell (@NellSco) April 15, 2020
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link— Lia Louis (@LisforLia) April 14, 2020
if you’re a high school senior upset about your school year being cut short please reach out to me. I’d like to make fun of you.
— (@calebsaysthings) April 15, 2020
i tweet like shit because i have no respect for you people
— SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) April 16, 2020
When the governor closes Fuddrucker’s. pic.twitter.com/HumgnbEOUE
— grillpilled_cushbomb (@cushbomb) April 16, 2020
I ask my students to send me photos of their dogs doing class work. It’s an under-appreciated photography genre. pic.twitter.com/oxXFicXmue
— Marie-Amélie George (@ProfMAGeorge) April 15, 2020
I change my clothes more frequently in Animal Crossing than in real life.
— Brie Larson (@brielarson) April 16, 2020
going through my computer and I’m struggling to remember why I Photoshopped Dobby into Manchester by the Sea pic.twitter.com/onnYVFESzl
— rex (@sexrantus) April 15, 2020
every generation deserves at least 5 movies named “Spider Man 2”
— wint (@dril) April 15, 2020
Every doctor that Oprah ever had on her show is a bizarrely poreless psychopath living in a garish home made of solid marble. I know rich people love doctors who sell them “vitamins that keep you from ever dying” but where do you even find these dudes? https://t.co/otMDTDP77Q
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) April 17, 2020
I wish we could all go back to normal, and by that I mean choking each other.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) April 17, 2020
— Beef Boy (@timheidecker) April 17, 2020
being a senator should be a 40 hour per week job with mandatory library time and book reports. also all senators should wear short pants with tall socks.
— Six Angry Ghosts (@sixangryghosts) April 17, 2020
RESUME FROLICKING, FILTHY EGG BEAST pic.twitter.com/Zpe7GdoMJc
— Mikel Reparaz (@Wikiparaz) April 17, 2020
I designed these just for Los Angeles pic.twitter.com/OUcjoRLT5i
— Morgan Murphy (@morgan_murphy) April 17, 2020