Do weeks even still exist? I mean the calendar has always been a mutual suggestion that we all just go along with, but with what’s happening right now—the virus, the quarantine, the galactically deranged president stressing the whole world out with his daily fits and embarrassments—the concept of time has never been less important. I’m writing this on a Friday morning, I’m told, but who knows if that’s true? Who would even care? Does it matter when I’m writing this, or when I post it—assuming hastily assembled galleries of other people’s tweets “matter” to any extent whatsoever? Or is this just another in a litany of trivialities I’ve devoted my life too—one more insipid bit of business to rush through before I can get back to my true calling of lying perfectly still in a bed while staring at the ceiling and crying softly?
I dunno, bro.
Here are the funniest tweets of the week.
If CoronaVirus kills enough people Trump will pardon it and become friends with it#politics
in regards to biden’s mediocrity democrats will say stuff like “who cares! i’d vote for a dog as long as it isn’t trump!” and here’s the deal: you’re all missing a great opportunity to run a dog for president
— Shark Souls (original game idea) (@bombsfall) April 11, 2020
“Sir, that’s an ingenious way to avoid getting the Coronavirus.”
hmm bernie just openly endorsed someone accused of sexual assault? no thank you. this is why i never supported bernie and will continue to support of joe biden for president
If I Told You My Idea Was a Robot That Harasses Chickens, You Wouldn’t Believe Me. But That’s My Best Idea. By Thomas Friedman pic.twitter.com/GVaJ2yoah4
everyone made fun of Rebecca Black for singing “yesterday was Thursday, today it is Friday” but now I’d kill to have that much confidence in what day it is
Losing my fucking MIND at this Quibi show where actual Emmy winner Rachel Brosnahan plays a woman obsessed with her golden arm pic.twitter.com/rSfqCv75SG
Me: I love pastry Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
Every doctor that Oprah ever had on her show is a bizarrely poreless psychopath living in a garish home made of solid marble. I know rich people love doctors who sell them “vitamins that keep you from ever dying” but where do you even find these dudes? https://t.co/otMDTDP77Q
being a senator should be a 40 hour per week job with mandatory library time and book reports. also all senators should wear short pants with tall socks.
