This was a really slow week, huh? Nothing much happening in the world. Just a global pandemic that’s shut down pretty much the whole world, and the continued racist bluster of our mushy president, and the deeply unamusing childlike naiveté of celebrities, and senators using private health warnings that were ignored for weeks to make some illegal bucks on the stock market, and no damn sports anywhere. At least we got a new Animal Crossing game to disappear into. Matt Hardy showed up in AEW. Those are both something, I guess.
Hopefully you and your loved ones have been able to stay safe and sane and not just self-obliteratingly drunk this whole time. We need to be strong. We need to tweet mean things about Josh Gad. We can do this.
Here are the funniest tweets from what could be the last week any of us still exist.
Weed’s great, but pandemic is no time for a drug whose onset vibe is acute anxiety. Alcoholism’s coming back in a big way, baby! And not bullshit craft-cocktail/wine-mom acceptable alcoholism, but real clockwork medicinal pain-numbing, fate-numbing Greatest Generation alcoholism.
— man it’s a hot zone, (@Mobute) March 20, 2020
This Canadian kid’s response to not being able to go to Disneyland this weekend is the best thing I’ve seen today. pic.twitter.com/wrXfaQmCdo
— Arash Markazi (@ArashMarkazi) March 14, 2020
Me arriving at my animal crossing island when it’s 12 AM and all my villagers are already asleep pic.twitter.com/7×3Ud9RF28
— Tylor (@theSirToasty) March 19, 2020
As the quarantine gets worse and our society starts to break down, I cannot stress enough how important it is that we all record voice-over exposition and leave it laying around for the player to find.
— Casey (@CaseyMalone) March 19, 2020
please check your basement https://t.co/6X2rfkmv3p
— ponyo fishy in the sea (@niazahraaa) March 19, 2020
Everyone is gonna have such fucked up hair before this is over
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) March 20, 2020
this article from 1917 says a dude tried to kill a raccoon and instead shot his dick off and died pic.twitter.com/DhTC3Gjk5O
— leroy (@leroybirds) March 16, 2020
Please note: we are only referring to him as Bucs Legend Tom Brady from now on
— Ryan Nanni (@celebrityhottub) March 17, 2020
buy me health insurance https://t.co/vDsr7URoQs
— SARAH SQUIRM (@SarahSquirm) March 20, 2020
— Laura Martínez® (@miblogestublog) March 19, 2020
Ferrell: Quick question- what’s the tone of this, should I do it like funny, or…?
Silverman: Same question
Gadot: um
Three Snapping Girls: What is this raising money for?
Gadot: (iMessage dots for 10 minutes, then nothing)— Scott Gairdner (@scottgairdner) March 19, 2020
The video of celebrities singing Imagine to us from their comfortable homes is exactly what Jenna Maroney would’ve done if there was a pandemic in 30 Rock.
— Liliana Segura (@LilianaSegura) March 19, 2020
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) March 19, 2020
Want to be clear that my decision to sell my stock portfolio was in no way based on the private, secret briefing I received entitled “DOOMSDAY COMING – SELL EVERYTHING” and was based on publicly available information from Billie Eilish fan boards and Funko Pop collectors sites
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 20, 2020
Laura Ingraham wants to talk to COVID-19’s manager.
— Sami Zayn (@SamiZayn) March 20, 2020
absolutely beautiful—people in lockdown in New York City are singing to each other from their balconies & windows pic.twitter.com/inz623LOqR
— Jamison Webb (@jamisonwebb) March 16, 2020
just tried the singing out the window thing & a lady threw human shit at me
— Asterios Kokkinos, America’s Uncle (@asterios) March 20, 2020
Finally. It’s time to let the big dog eat. No more handlers, no more fake shit. Just his great mildewed nerf ball of a brain taking to the field of combat, somehow comparing the pandemic he’s botching to Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show. https://t.co/NtXaqQo5ST
— David Roth (@david_j_roth) March 13, 2020
Can’t believe my luck – found a supermarket with fully stocked shelves pic.twitter.com/ddfBp0oVJM
— Tony Gowland (@FreakyZoid) March 18, 2020
One way to think about social distancing is that to contribute to a great national cause in World War II you had to, like, die face down in the muck on some tiny pacific island, now you can literally stay at home, watch the sopranos or that Netflix dating show and be a hero
— Matthew Zeitlin (@MattZeitlin) March 15, 2020
Hi.
Yes, it originated in China, but the technical term is Covid-19
Your mom originated from the back of a Buick Skylark, but we call her Judith
Don’t be mean.
— Brunette Bohemian (@RaeOfLite) March 18, 2020
Shout out to Gen X. We’re the generation who got a rib removed so we could suck ourselves off. We went home alone after school and died of heroin overdoses every single day only to be found weeks later by the Surge Cola deliveryman.We’re still here.We’ll be the only ones left
— luke oneil (@lukeoneil47) March 15, 2020
Person who does not know who bob odenkirk is watching the part in little women where the dad shows up and is bob odenkirk pic.twitter.com/SLD4aXTBTM
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) March 18, 2020
If social distancing has you down, just remember that Shakespeare, a guy that wasn’t real, wrote a bunch of boring ass shit that no one reads after high school during a time when everyone in Europe was drinking diarrhea water to protect themselves from jewish magic
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) March 14, 2020
The Italian heathcare system, which consists solely of doctors prescribing patients to see different types of clowns, has been strained almost to its breaking point
— ”Steve” (@extranapkins) March 13, 2020
what’s the most annoying thing that’s happened to you this week? for me it’s the global coronavirus pandemic
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) March 15, 2020