This was a really slow week, huh? Nothing much happening in the world. Just a global pandemic that’s shut down pretty much the whole world, and the continued racist bluster of our mushy president, and the deeply unamusing childlike naiveté of celebrities, and senators using private health warnings that were ignored for weeks to make some illegal bucks on the stock market, and no damn sports anywhere. At least we got a new Animal Crossing game to disappear into. Matt Hardy showed up in AEW. Those are both something, I guess.
Hopefully you and your loved ones have been able to stay safe and sane and not just self-obliteratingly drunk this whole time. We need to be strong. We need to tweet mean things about Josh Gad. We can do this.
Here are the funniest tweets from what could be the last week any of us still exist.
Weed’s great, but pandemic is no time for a drug whose onset vibe is acute anxiety. Alcoholism’s coming back in a big way, baby! And not bullshit craft-cocktail/wine-mom acceptable alcoholism, but real clockwork medicinal pain-numbing, fate-numbing Greatest Generation alcoholism.
As the quarantine gets worse and our society starts to break down, I cannot stress enough how important it is that we all record voice-over exposition and leave it laying around for the player to find.
Ferrell: Quick question- what’s the tone of this, should I do it like funny, or…? Silverman: Same question Gadot: um Three Snapping Girls: What is this raising money for? Gadot: (iMessage dots for 10 minutes, then nothing)
The video of celebrities singing Imagine to us from their comfortable homes is exactly what Jenna Maroney would’ve done if there was a pandemic in 30 Rock.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
— pixelatedboat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) March 19, 2020
Want to be clear that my decision to sell my stock portfolio was in no way based on the private, secret briefing I received entitled “DOOMSDAY COMING – SELL EVERYTHING” and was based on publicly available information from Billie Eilish fan boards and Funko Pop collectors sites
just tried the singing out the window thing & a lady threw human shit at me
— Asterios Kokkinos, America’s Uncle (@asterios) March 20, 2020
Finally. It’s time to let the big dog eat. No more handlers, no more fake shit. Just his great mildewed nerf ball of a brain taking to the field of combat, somehow comparing the pandemic he’s botching to Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show. https://t.co/NtXaqQo5ST
One way to think about social distancing is that to contribute to a great national cause in World War II you had to, like, die face down in the muck on some tiny pacific island, now you can literally stay at home, watch the sopranos or that Netflix dating show and be a hero
Shout out to Gen X. We’re the generation who got a rib removed so we could suck ourselves off. We went home alone after school and died of heroin overdoses every single day only to be found weeks later by the Surge Cola deliveryman.We’re still here.We’ll be the only ones left
If social distancing has you down, just remember that Shakespeare, a guy that wasn’t real, wrote a bunch of boring ass shit that no one reads after high school during a time when everyone in Europe was drinking diarrhea water to protect themselves from jewish magic
The Italian heathcare system, which consists solely of doctors prescribing patients to see different types of clowns, has been strained almost to its breaking point
