The Funniest Tweets of the Week

For no particular reason, here are the phone numbers of some senators worth a ring .Lisa Murkowski, Alaska: (202) 224-6665. Dan Sullivan, Alaska: (202) 224-3004. Shelley Moore Capito, West Virginia: (202) 224-6472. Susan Collins, Maine: (202) 224-2523. Dean Heller, Nevada: (202) 224-6244. Jeff Flake, Arizona; (202) 224-4521. Cory Gardner, Colorado: (202) 224-5941. Rob Portman, Ohio: (202) 224-3353. Pat Toomey, Pennsylvania: (202) 224-4254. Bill Cassidy, Louisiana: (202) 224-5824. Tom Cotton, Arkansas: (202) 224-2353. Okay, now here’s the good stuff:

Came up with a rhyme to help me remember pic.twitter.com/W4nlszvkbM
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) June 25, 2017

the funniest development in politics is conservatives getting furious about children eating vegetables because michelle obama said it’s good
— sean. (@SeanMcElwee) June 25, 2017

politicizing Pride dilutes the original purpose of the week, which is to celebrate straight people who know gay people
— RusticBaller (@ByYourLogic) June 25, 2017

I like to imagine this as one person preparing to go out. pic.twitter.com/9IbMOs33gx
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) June 25, 2017

i’m a SLUT
Safety nets for the poor are failing so young people feel like the pressure to succeed early is life or death
L
U
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Most Popular
The 20 Best Movies on Starz
Exclusive Excerpt: A Young Weaver Struggles to Make Ends Meet in Beguiled
Nope Is American Mythmaking Done Right
— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) June 25, 2017

the Jon Stewart Rally to Restore Sanity signs did not age well pic.twitter.com/QEqiaGoCea
— Virgil Texas (@virgiltexas) June 24, 2017

just when you think the party can’t get any worse and someone shows up uninvited pic.twitter.com/FnPEEEziLw
— Shuja Haider (@shujaxhaider) June 24, 2017

i don’t give a fuck pic.twitter.com/UlI2BArxpi
— Irene Fagan Merrow (@_irenemerrow) June 24, 2017

Who said that windmills were not useful when there was no wind? pic.twitter.com/W5D7QvnRFD
— Damien ERNST (@DamienERNST1) June 24, 2017

Meet Orrin Hatch, he’s the guy who loves to murder but hates to be accused of it https://t.co/vFoOcnHl2k
— maura quint (@behindyourback) June 24, 2017

When truck man explains the truck to you pic.twitter.com/sZRDNXFjZA
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) June 24, 2017

If I spot this guy imma mind my fucking business. https://t.co/S6z5uZy3Gj
— Marcus (@BlvckGrip) June 24, 2017

I like being gripped by panic, guessing whether a senator’s statements about a bill are sincere or pre-approved playacting. It’s good, to me
— Sean T. Collins (@theseantcollins) June 23, 2017

Online Nazis rule because they’ve decided that creating a new Pan-Eurasian ethno-state will be easier for them than finding a girlfriend
— Connor Wroe Southard (@ConnorSouthard) June 23, 2017

“Rose, the keys” pic.twitter.com/pvq7KSgt5N
— Bolu Babalola (@BeeBabs) June 23, 2017

Ugh, young Mitch McConnell was kinda hot pic.twitter.com/aGRaYBlPom
— Richard Lawson (@rilaws) June 23, 2017

2008: what a historical time to be living in one of the greatest countries in the world!
2017: there are no more bees or medicine
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— Megan Amram (@meganamram) June 22, 2017

Not you, @tedcruz. You’re not invited. ???? pic.twitter.com/1NTZFvwk9h
— Alyssa Milano (@Alyssa_Milano) June 22, 2017

I cannot stress enough how important it is you watch this gorilla bathe-dancing to maniac. By @bobhagh pic.twitter.com/e15f9NPO7j
— Kristina Lucare????i (@KristinaLuca) June 22, 2017

that outghta do it pic.twitter.com/asYH8jqXEX
— bens rights activist (@UniqueDude2) June 22, 2017

pic.twitter.com/YNrKnU5eEC
— Andrew Ziegler (@zieg) June 22, 2017

well i’m satisfied with that pic.twitter.com/fwQLUKLaqo
— ????churly whirly???? (@chumbawalden) June 22, 2017

Last month I was reeling that Comey is 6’8. That’s over. I’m now consumed with this. Consumed pic.twitter.com/32juOosxim
— Jenn (@jenndangerous) June 21, 2017

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) June 21, 2017

pic.twitter.com/tLyxJDdXV9
— Old Grande (@6rande) June 21, 2017

DEMS: This race is important. Let’s run some asshole no one likes who doesnt live in the district
ME: does he have good policies?
DEMS: no
— maple cocaine (@historyinflicks) June 21, 2017

Actually, Kalanick was the name of the entrepreneur. Uber is the monster. https://t.co/ZmuR0u0NK8
— Jason Kottke (@jkottke) June 21, 2017

Let me introduce you all to my wife pic.twitter.com/abKXF5AIDh
— Jonny is Good (@jonny_is_good) June 21, 2017

pic.twitter.com/tYuz4YmOVT
— Seth Rosenthal (@seth_rosenthal) June 21, 2017

Hey twitter please make it so I dont see tweets from people I dont follow. That is why I dont follow them. To not see their tweets.
— Jack Comstock (@hackcomstock) June 21, 2017

Uber’s new ceo is Louise mensch. Take that Silicon Valley
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) June 21, 2017

democrats would rather spend 50 million dollars in Slavery Is Good Town, USA and lose then move even slightly left
— raandy (@randygdub) June 21, 2017

this meter is the first thing you see when Satan greets you in hell https://t.co/SrPFpwX811
— Matt Pearce (@mattdpearce) June 20, 2017

when you are molting to become Tim pic.twitter.com/gJy9bxNjI1
— giri nathan (@girrelevant) June 20, 2017

pic.twitter.com/pykSCggHBp
— southpaw (@nycsouthpaw) June 20, 2017

Hey sorry to be a downer, but have you guys ever zoomed out on the #Hamilton logo before? pic.twitter.com/j2zC7C3OIW
— Kibblesmith ?? (@kibblesmith) June 20, 2017

does netflix pick out of a hat what mental illness it’s going to romanticise next https://t.co/KCDx1KGZXB
— kirst (@spookirst) June 20, 2017

you could have just…. not written a tagline pic.twitter.com/Mpzgnl5ZSf
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) June 20, 2017

pic.twitter.com/RBKnlDhz8S
— bobby (@bobby) June 20, 2017

did you know that “bazinga” was originally “sporlumpus”
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) June 20, 2017

Y’all done fucked up the environment so much to the point that animals wanna rob y’all smh https://t.co/GQy3OWMd1W
— ?? (@shayfromonline) June 20, 2017

we are teens ????
we laugh ????
we fight ????
we smoke drugs ???? ????
we snapchat ????????
but more than anything
we support the dprk ????????????????
— brian feldman (@bafeldman) June 20, 2017

Bad news. The trove already has a verified twitter account and I got suspended for telling it to fuck off. https://t.co/FID75vCB9y
— Caesar Salad Hero (@Palle_Hoffstein) June 20, 2017

alright that’s enough online today pic.twitter.com/T0j5E5dQOa
— Paul Blest (@pblest) June 20, 2017

Jared Kushner looks like one of the students who didn’t stand on their desk at the end of Dead Poet’s Society
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) June 20, 2017

The end of THE PRESTIGE but it’s all tanks of Jakes and Amirs
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) June 20, 2017

Nothing is true, everything is permitted https://t.co/kFg8jiB0jW
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) June 20, 2017

Here’s the only poem my MA supervisor asked me to cut from my thesis, & the only poem I still like. It is about handsome ghost Bruce Willis. pic.twitter.com/tGvLsnALFK
— Hera Lindsay Bird (@HeraLindsayBird) June 20, 2017

Today is the 4 year anniversary of the time a man in a giant bunny costume silently pursued me through the Prospect Park subway station pic.twitter.com/2VAFOgkXgr
— Adam Dalva (@adalva) June 19, 2017

SUBJUGATE YOURSELF TO WETZEL DOG pic.twitter.com/mGshhNorJJ
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) June 19, 2017

pic.twitter.com/qm1C0nF4Ub
— Gourmet Hot Takes (@NuclearTakes) June 19, 2017

Tmrw is leg day: the day I eat my own leg
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) June 19, 2017