What a week! In brief: Sean Spicer at the Emmys, Trump retweeting another shitty meme, Ted Cruz liking porn, Harvard kowtowing to the CIA, ESPN kowtowing to Trump, Trumpcare coming back to life, that thing where a kid mowed the White House lawn, that other thing where Trump shook Melania’s hand after she opened for him, instead of, like, hugging her or any other normal display of affection, Bodega: an startup to disrupt bodegas, Broad City’s back, baby!, Trump wants to save DACA now?, we might be staying in the Paris Climate Accord?, Hillary wrote a book, Facebook let advertisers target anti-Semites… Is that all? No, no it’s not, it never is. Aaaand here they are, the tweets we’ve all been waiting for:
This is the best one I’ve seen pic.twitter.com/bqoPEJY5nn
— ??? (@lungfiber) September 16, 2017
“HELLO BARRON OR MAYBE TIFFANY” pic.twitter.com/QMokt3RNfU
— rachel axler (@rachelaxler) September 15, 2017
When I eat BBQ I’m in hog heaven. But to a hog, it’s hog hell!
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) September 16, 2017
This dubbed version of IT in Spanish is super fucked up pic.twitter.com/s12LgriMua
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) September 15, 2017
Ah, the weekend. Time to retire to my apartment for two days and become approximately three degrees more maladjusted and weird
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) September 15, 2017
Under the Constitution, the House tweets. If the Senate retweets, it goes to the President, who favs it into law.
— Ryan Teague Beckwith (@ryanbeckwith) September 14, 2017
Harvard needs to stop hosting lowlifes like Chelsea Manning and bring back proud alumni like the Unabomber, Bill O’Reilly, the CEO of Enron,
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) September 15, 2017
Old sheldon stares at the graves of his friends. How did he outlive them? How did he, the most miserable of them all, live so long?
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) September 15, 2017
Pennywise: I have nothing to offer you I just wanna kill and eat you lol
Me: pic.twitter.com/92CEGNhxgn
— ben ???? (@gutsnoglory) September 14, 2017
hmmm I need a name for my illegal drugs so I can fly under the radar……something subtle, like pic.twitter.com/ws0CJjEnY6
— Hannah Murphy (@dumb_hannah) September 15, 2017
Very sad to see that my favourite account is retiring pic.twitter.com/8qgOmAAlRM
— Pixelated Boat (@pixelatedboat) September 14, 2017
Literally anything; it’s so hard to make friends as an adult https://t.co/564o0QJBNX
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) September 14, 2017
If you’re willing to look past the drawbacks of falling down stairs, it’s actually a very effective method of getting down stairs
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) September 14, 2017
I DO NOT like the way Jerry and Newman treat each other. They live in the same building, they should treat each other with RESPECT and HONOR
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) September 13, 2017
Game of thrones fan: You should watch game of thrones
Me: I’m not into dragons & stuff
GOT fan: it’s not even really about that
GOT: pic.twitter.com/7P2zVr94WH
— Yassir Lester (@Yassir_Lester) September 17, 2017
This Fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined.
— Calvin Bottoms (@calvinb) September 13, 2017
New York primary results coming in and… https://t.co/G6fTDqFkTA
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) September 13, 2017
Every once in a while I like to remember this weird ass letter I got from a state rep in high school pic.twitter.com/vxUTG7oF2d
— Dan Hamilton (@Dan_Hamilton) September 13, 2017
clinton dropped her book on the 5th anniversary of benghazi. well done
— chris hooks (@cd_hooks) September 12, 2017
when there’s a facial recognition lock pic.twitter.com/sVVQ4NJsxv
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) September 12, 2017
Bernie Sanders your silence on Ted Cruz jacking off is deafening
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) September 12, 2017
my coworker misheard “ben and jerry’s dairy-free ice cream” as “ben and jerry’s Jerry-free ice cream” and i cant stop thinking about it
— Mike F (@mikefossey) September 12, 2017
huge gaffe here from cruz pic.twitter.com/6XXO1v6Njh
— josh androsky???? (@ShutUpAndrosky) September 12, 2017
Nobody who works for or knows Ted Cruz cares enough to take down the porno tweet like, or to even inform him of it. Outstanding
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) September 12, 2017
first time I’ve ever heard of Tim Kaine being pro choice https://t.co/JSKQDRYJSi
— maura quint (@behindyourback) September 11, 2017