The Funniest Tweets of the Week

You may be wondering: What happened to this week’s “Funniest Tweets of the Week” gallery? Doesn’t that usually post on Mondays at 10:00 a.m. EST? You are right to wonder, because it does, and sometimes at 10:30 a.m. depending on the rhythms of that particular morning. Well, the answer to your question is: we decided to post it today, for reasons that are mysterious to even us. This won’t be a regular thing, but we hope that, this time, it was the right thing. But enough chitchat. Here they are, the tweets you’ve all been waiting for:

Rewatching Blade Runner and I just realized it’s the first movie Waluigi ever appeared in pic.twitter.com/TtXBZdpeGL

— BranSINNER?????????? (@bransonreese) October 1, 2017

calling trump “cheeto” is deeply offensive to the idea of jokes and entertainment in general

— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) September 30, 2017

could this society possibly allocate resources any worse https://t.co/mLOQ6oa1HB

— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) September 30, 2017

The primary joke in the David S. Pumpkins skit was that a haunted house organizer ran out of ideas and overused a character. https://t.co/fGysxbmiSB

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— Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman) September 28, 2017

hugh hefner was a feminist icon because he gave women the right to choose to show their titties but also live in a big scary house with him

— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) September 29, 2017

No you’re right that old perv dying is incredibly complex

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 28, 2017

Ah it appears as though hugh Hefner is finally the one who will “miss October”

— shut up, mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) September 28, 2017

could it now be said that the Price is Wright https://t.co/YZ9b2jkSi9

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) September 29, 2017

“I watch Rick and Morty.” The class is shocked at my overwhelming intelligence. ”…how? I can’t even understand its sheer nuance and subtlety.” “Well… WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB!” One student laughs, and I turn to see who the fellow genius is. It’s none other than Albert Einstein.

— Raggy (@IuIIed) September 27, 2017

new idea: if you make a good tweet, the character limit for your next tweet goes up by one. if you make a bad tweet, it goes down by one

— leon ???? (@leyawn) September 27, 2017

thankful for freedom of speech, a constitutional right i only have because of uh looks closely at smudged notes eternal war in Afghanistan

— Lana????Del??Gravetheon (@LanaDelRaytheon) September 27, 2017

sorry he was occupied https://t.co/sqJXbCzXvH

— Big Failing NY Lund (@Mobute) September 27, 2017

Not doing so good…after the NFL players kneeled I burned my favorite team’s jersey and then I got too excited and burned the rest of my clothes

— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) September 27, 2017

people lit up the phone lines so Dems could find bipartisan solutions with the party that tried to kill everyone https://t.co/2smlxxKsRb

— ???? a mirror ???? (@crushingbort) September 27, 2017

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Given the fact that I have been randomly selected to tweet with 280 characters, I must address an issue that seems to have been forgotten in this time of political and global upheaval, an important issue we’re in danger of forgetting, one we must not forget. Where is the pee tape

— Shawn (@online_shawn) September 27, 2017

When you and your boy are working hard toward your goals pic.twitter.com/ugZcfp3g5P

— Dan Hamilton (@Dan_Hamilton) September 27, 2017

On new 280 characters twitter: pic.twitter.com/Vis2mBSKXA

— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) September 26, 2017

i actually think it would’ve been really funny to reduce the character count by like 10, just to fuck with people who tweet too much

— libby watson ???? (@libbycwatson) September 26, 2017

When u see the wabbit pic.twitter.com/9DRISuECjM

— David Roth (@david_j_roth) September 26, 2017

I’m seein’ double here! 280 characters!

— David Sims (@davidlsims) September 26, 2017

As a white conservative comedian, I’m not afraid to “go there.” No topic is off-limits. I have never left my hometown. My dad is a yacht.

— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) September 26, 2017

I hate my curvy president.

— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) September 25, 2017

Sorry guys, but I won’t stand by and watch JOCKS bully out NERD president

— Adam Friedland (@AdamFriedland) September 25, 2017

the premise behind Young Sheldon is that each week he tortures and kills a different small animal. maybe his neighbor is wacky too

— ???? a mirror ???? (@crushingbort) September 25, 2017

the nfl anthem controversy needs a name. football is a game. the players, therefore, are gamers. might i suggest “gamergate”?

— kev (@kept_simple) September 25, 2017