“M” is for “mad,” the feeling you get when you realize it is Monday. “O” is for “over it,” a general attitude that many people have about Mondays. “N” is for “nooooooooo!!!!”, something fun to exclaim upon waking up Monday morning, or really any other point during the day. “D” is for “danger,” my middle name. “A” is for “All right, there’s one thing and one thing only that could make this Monday morning tolerable, and that thing is an aggregation [also begins with “A”] of last week’s funniest tweets, embedded for my reading pleasure, does anyone else feel this way?” And “Y”, of course, is for “Yes, yes, yes! Yes. Yes… yes! Yes!!!! Thanks.”
women, I will let you in on a male secret, when we go down the stairs behind the sofa, we are actually just hiding behind the sofa
— slutty neil kinnock (@mutablejoe) October 21, 2017
bröther may i have söme videödröme pic.twitter.com/g4P1OGnDZR
— Chelsea???????????????????????? (@chelseadpc) October 21, 2017
“Latte socialist” is such a sick burn, it really nails the hypocrisy of people who want both coffee with steamed milk and a fairer society pic.twitter.com/TUuO2vaXJe
— Mark O’Connell (@mrkocnnll) October 22, 2017
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) October 22, 2017
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
— Kevin Farzad (@KevinFarzad) October 21, 2017
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab. pic.twitter.com/NN0pQavvzP
— Justine Stafford (@JustineStafford) October 20, 2017
Hey Morty [burp] jump into this portal, we’re going to a dimension without unions pic.twitter.com/U8Es0G3yRq
— The Ghost of McCrea (@christianmccrea) October 21, 2017
It Follows (2014) pic.twitter.com/eyUQrTtQtV
— brrrandon (@sexualjumanji) October 21, 2017
when you spend all night chasing people in their nightmares
but nobody asks you about chasing your dreams pic.twitter.com/yJ2jXCJvcW
— ????????spooky snack????? (@codeinefolk) October 20, 2017
mister police, pic.twitter.com/JIS5ct61ob
— Ben Kling (@benkling) October 21, 2017
would you fight for him? Would you…die for him? pic.twitter.com/KLI2TY1BGj
— BranSINNER (@bransonreese) October 21, 2017
Insane that anyone would see injustice in the same world where we turned VICIOUS WOLVES into BEINGS OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE and just accept it
— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) October 21, 2017
One way I can tell that I’m a difficult person is no artist’s rendering of a big dinosaur ever makes it look big enough to me
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) October 20, 2017
can i get a https://t.co/wsRJMT9Xgd
— human man (@mrdaddymanphd) October 17, 2017
Can’t believe I’m saying this but I miss BUSH
Blocking bank regulation
Uhhh, Iraq
Secret, illegal surveillance Hurricane Katrina response— Andrea ???? More (@amore_orless) July 14, 2017
2010: Newspapers begging their reporters to start tweeting
2017: Newspapers begging their reporters to stop tweeting
— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) October 19, 2017
Wow this George W. Bush, a man I’ve never heard of before, seems like a great guy!
— Pixhellated Boat (@pixelatedboat) October 19, 2017
i love this image but also the lore behind it, iirc the author is unknown and the text contained in it appears to be original writing so someone fuckin wrote that text specifically to put it into this panel of mickey mouse and donald duck arguing then posted it anonymously pic.twitter.com/CHdBOqN9Wk
— whito (alt) (@IncelNationVIP) October 20, 2017
— helena (@helenadonahue) October 19, 2017
Can’t believe the White House killed off the original Melania and replaced her with Leah Remini.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) October 18, 2017
whenever someone lip syncs it completely splits me wide open— can’t stop laughing i think it is so funny and impressive
— Matt Barats (@MattBarats) October 18, 2017
Report: White Man Happy to Do Comedy for Free
— Joanna Rothkopf (@joannarothkopf) October 18, 2017
What the hell? this is the second season! pic.twitter.com/fWXXIqGdQx
— Robbie Ghostwin (@robbiegoodwin) October 17, 2017
Gonna write a Charles Bukowski poem. I call it “los angeles winter.”
whiskey, good
women bad
but maybe
it’s the other way
around— Kaleb Scary Horton (@kalebhorton) October 1, 2013
red sky at night, poster’s delight; red sky in morning, the content is boring
— blue noth records (@maxtothemax) October 16, 2017
cashier: that’ll be $19.99
me, with a crisp twenty dollar bill in my pocket: ok
cashier: plus tax
me: https://t.co/EMjtXFJqPF— ??? (@honorcamper) October 18, 2017