Hello people of the Internet. It is me, the one who writes these. I just got back from the emergency room, where a nice nurse named Eric cleaned and dressed up the big slice I cut into my right index finger, or as I like to call it, my “typing finger.” Everything is fine except now I’m typing this without the use of my most productive finger, which, woooof. Did everyone have a good week last week? That’s what I thought! Well, at least that thing happened where Michael Flynn got held accountable for at least one crime, and that that other thing where there was a fun meme about some icebox plums. Great meme! Maybe this week we can do William Carlos Williams’ later work. He did some great stuff in the ‘40s and ‘50s, I think you’d really like it. Okay, onward and upward with the tweets:
BDSM
B- bees
D- do
S- so
M- much
– for
– the
– environment— ??? (@SimpnMild) November 27, 2017
Radiohead just announced they’re putting out a Christmas album pic.twitter.com/VJgKOQaF9i
— Tamara Yajia (@DancesWithTamis) November 28, 2017
One time I accidentally sent a screenshot of an annoying text to the subject of the screenshot instead of my other friend and i simply never spoke to that person again
— just christina for now (@floozyesq) November 28, 2017
in LA they say “smoke me out” but in new york they say “smoke me up”
this is due to the fact that LA is a horizontally developed city whereas New York is much more vertical— BEN KLING INNOCENT !!!!!!!!!! (@benkling) November 27, 2017
bout to pull up to the club dead https://t.co/UvFszgrAGd
— Zachary Fox (@zackfox) November 28, 2017
(daniel plainview voice) my tweets are now flowing at one million impressions a day and it’s paying me an income of zero dollars a week. i have over 44 thousand followers, and i’ve posted 68 thousand times. so, ladies and gentlemen…if I say i’m an onlineman you will agree.
— bobby ???? (@bobby) November 29, 2017
What ur sign wants:
Aries: Net neutrality
Taur: Net neutrality
Gem: Net neutrality
Cancer: Net neutrality
Leo: Net neutrality
Virgo: Net neutrality
Libra: Net neutrality
Scorpio: Net neutrality
Sag: Net neutrality
Cap: Net neutrality
Aquari: Net neutrality
Pisces: Net neutrality— GHOST OF ACTAVIS (@ghostofactavis) November 28, 2017
I think there’s a family in the back of this truck pic.twitter.com/s2aQwsSiUG
— Brendan O’Hare (@brendohare) November 28, 2017
The Void was a surprisingly good indie horror flick that was released earlier this year. I really enjoyed it and am super pumped to hear they are making a sequel. pic.twitter.com/WO9kGfbNFV
— Joe Klein (@theJoeKlein) November 28, 2017
twitter is a long car ride where nazis go “i’m not touching you i’m not touching you” and your mom turns around to say “hey technically that’s true”
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) November 29, 2017
Guess who got back just to say
Them ice-box plums you’d stashed away
For breakfast on some later day
I mean, those plums were eatenThe boys have eaten plums
(The boys have eaten plums)— Max Read (@max_read) November 29, 2017
me (quietly to myself as the ruling state corporate plutocracy brazenly loots the rest of what they can before the collapse): yoshi is a horse
— leon ? (@leyawn) December 2, 2017
I’m helping decorate my parents’ house for Christmas & my mom just caught me whispering “what’s up motherfucker” to a nutcracker
— priscilla page (@BBW_BFF) December 3, 2017
Iconic exchange pic.twitter.com/HxJJpwdpyZ
— Carey O’Donnell (@ecareyo) November 30, 2017
a christmas parade but it’s going the speed limit
— brent (@murrman5) December 2, 2017
Rollingstone won’t publish my article “The Beatles Didn’t Invent Ska Because They Were Cowards”
— Mikey Heller (@yoyorobot) December 3, 2017
Ever been to a “Grocery” store? Well – that’s the guy. Started the whole damn thing. pic.twitter.com/8r167wgXVt
— Ikechukwu Ufomadu (@ikeminded) December 3, 2017
— Chanel (@circusgoth) December 3, 2017
>me in 2016 vs me in 2017 pic.twitter.com/j5uNB4Aivo
— this guy gets it (@DonsLawnSalon) December 1, 2017
Fiona the hippo needs to be taken down a notch and I’m the bitch to do it.
— ??????????? (@kadyrabbit) December 2, 2017
Ronald Reagan wouldn’t have recognized the modern GOP. Read the man in his own words: pic.twitter.com/F0DQQ9Zbys
— ???? doogal rememberer ???? (@crushingbort) December 2, 2017
— Eric (@toomanyerics) December 2, 2017
Ben Shapiro DESTROYS…cancer detecting dogs? pic.twitter.com/f2gsPEbQZN
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) December 2, 2017
HAPPENING NOW pic.twitter.com/jOcA7yjets
— The Christmas Creep (@HelloCullen) December 1, 2017
NOT NORMAL!!!!!! pic.twitter.com/j1id5YA36l
— brian feldman (Michael Clayton is on Netflix) (@bafeldman) December 1, 2017
— noah kulwin (@nkulw) December 1, 2017
I know that Twitter loves to judge and dogpile on people, but in all seriousness I hope President Trump uses this moment to learn from his mistakes, reevaluate, and grow as a person. That’s an outcome we should all be rooting for.
— ???? doogal rememberer ???? (@crushingbort) December 1, 2017
Angels in America pt 3: Infinity War
— Adam Goldman (@theadamgoldman) December 1, 2017
they’re cartoons https://t.co/HRVL8J0Lh5
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) November 29, 2017
at the end of the day, you’ve really got to respect how stupid everything is, and how much it sucks.
— jesse farrar (@BronzeHammer) November 29, 2017
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these breakfast plums and learn to eat
All your life
You were only waiting for a meal this cold and sweet— Sean T. Collins (@theseantcollins) November 29, 2017
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) November 28, 2017
Googled just the word “stew,” then realized my error and changed my search query to “stew near me”
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) November 28, 2017
my name is dan, and this is just to say
I ate your icebox plums in a major way— Dan Abromowitz (@AnnDabromowitz) November 27, 2017