Congratulations, you made it to the second week of 2018. It was a tough journey but here you are, on a website, the sun shining outside and the birds making all their little sounds. “Chick-a-dee-dee-dee. “Caw, caw, caw.” “Bluejay bluejay bluejay.” Beautiful stuff. Like you, I’m absolutely thrilled to see what comedy news happens in the comedy world this week. Something good, I hope! But for now it is enough to sit here in glorious, anxious anticipation, mmm yes. How about some tweets to tide us over, okay? Yes, okay. See you soon:
my household has a winter storm protocol called “operation midnight leopard” where we go get like four cans of soup. such is the way of the midnight leopard
— Jon Bois (@jon_bois) January 4, 2018
reading about financial planning and came across this rly helpful advice…….never thought about it this way pic.twitter.com/9SJXkd603P
— jugs bunny (@alliewach) January 5, 2018
what stage of capitalism is it where brands imitate threats of nuclear war to sell fried chicken pic.twitter.com/Fsu8xvi8ng
— Kelsey D. Atherton (@AthertonKD) January 3, 2018
imagine being the first swords-and-sandals-epic director to suggest “hey guys, when you shake hands….just clasp your forearms together.” the game was well and truly changed that day
— american fandal (@evilmallelis) January 7, 2018
— Cole Escola (@ColeEscola) January 7, 2018
When you get to the end of a “Moments” and it says “That’s it!” it should also say, “Pretty stupid, right?”
— Paul F. Tompkins (@PFTompkins) January 7, 2018
2018 is the year that I finally do something that I’ve been meaning to for a while, carry my controller around pic.twitter.com/RWCIaLNnJP
— brian fiddyment (@brian4showbiz) January 7, 2018
I’m gonna be honest. Sarah Silverman sets unrealistic expectations of troll engagement
— rachel andelman (@rajandelman) January 7, 2018
Catching up on some end-of-2017 movies; my takeaways:
MOLLY’S GAME – a Jewish woman gets therapy.
CALL ME BY YOUR NAME – Jewish coming of age tale. Multiple star-of-David necklaces. At one point Michael Stuhlbarg says Mazal Tov.
I, TONYA – various non-Jewish events occur.
— Raphael Bob-Waksberg (@RaphaelBW) January 2, 2018
Wiping spaghetti sauce off my face with my ponytail
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) January 1, 2018
The movie Chappie is a complete waste of Chappie the character
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) January 7, 2018
Damn Matt Damon becomes real small in this movie… I knew he shrunk but not to this extent. Great twist.
— Siraj (@__siraj) January 7, 2018
Original Title of ‘Get Out’ was ‘Get Out of There’
— Justin Linville (@justinmlinville) January 7, 2018
Wow imagine how many of Jerry Seinfeld’s girlfriends had to emotionlessly say to him “Yeah, you’re right, that is weird.”
— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) January 5, 2018
???? pic.twitter.com/Twv6lPv1LC
— mary houlihan (@maryhoulie) January 5, 2018
Porgi. Like and RT for good luck pic.twitter.com/pyUad9a4eo
— porgadelphia (@minadelphia) January 6, 2018
Well, you know the old saying, “Don’t believe everything you like, share, and then finally, skim the first paragraph of”
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) January 5, 2018
i bring raisins in my lunch every day and they get really hard in the work fridge so i microwave the little raisin box for like 15 seconds. theres no other work around, this is a smart way to do things.
— sam worthlessington (@OkButStill) January 5, 2018
— samuel (@racetrayter) January 3, 2018
I tried to leave as much negativity in 2017 as possible but my fury over Jason Mraz’s dumb hat being in the Waitress ads has FLOWN with me into the new year pic.twitter.com/y05ePWpY0f
— Nicole Silverberg (@nsilverberg) January 2, 2018
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
— ruined snake (@punished_picnic) January 3, 2018
black mirror: what if there was a tv show with a strong central conceit. me: i understand. time to make jokes about it, online.
— ringworm (@prawn_meat) January 1, 2018
god I’m a sucker for a good Cask of Amontillado gag. I will follow anywhere you lead for the promise of a good Cask of Amontillado gag. down here you say? sure. man, it’s dark
— kirby, the royal they, worst of their name, ? (@fancyrectangles) January 1, 2018
I make New Years resolutions every day, multiple times a day. Imagine that level of daily suspense and inner warfare.
— Morgan Parker (@morganapple) January 2, 2018
any time an episode of black mirror is described to me, it replaces the previous episode of black mirror that was described to me as the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard
— kev (@kept_simple) January 2, 2018