Here are last week’s funniest tweets. There were no funnier tweets. These tweets cover a wide variety of topical and non-topical subject matter, for instance: the government shutdown, which you may recall the Democrats caved on just seven days ago; Oscar nominations, the discourse surrounding which has only just begun; that thing where Trump tried to fire Mueller and wanted people to believe it was about golf club fees; that most sacred of art forms, podcasting; Melania Trump; the famed State of the Union Address; so-called “Tide Pods”; and “Other.” That’s all! I hope you have a good week, and more importantly, that I have a good week. Byeeeeeeeee
anytime I have to count to three I must do it in the Tootsie Pop owl voice I have no choice no it’s sad
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) January 22, 2018
I think it’s great we’ll have a Kennedy giving the SOTU response but slightly disappointed we couldn’t find a Habsburg to do it.
— maura “are jack and biz nazis?” quint (@behindyourback) January 28, 2018
casper the cowardly awful ghost
— Lovely Samanthuel???? (@splendidland) January 28, 2018
Fellas. I think we found our cat. pic.twitter.com/Q1I5UjDwsO
— Ikechukwu Ufomadu (@ikeminded) January 28, 2018
What’s happening? pic.twitter.com/sZDbDSInjE
— ??????????????? (@kadyrabbit) January 27, 2018
this belongs on the Mt Rushmore of Tucker Carlson chyrons pic.twitter.com/dlv1zPIRyb
— Caleb Ecarma (@calebecarma) January 27, 2018
He did what we all wished we could do pic.twitter.com/xjFebF8SHV
— Chanel (@circusgoth) January 27, 2018
I would have evacuated after probably the thirtieth or fortieth baboon, but I’m very risk averse https://t.co/DWtXxC2qkQ
— flglmn (@flglmn) January 26, 2018
Stop! Don’t Throw Out Your Clementine Peels Just Yet! Just Kidding. You Can Throw Them Away
— caustic sand witch (@hellohappy_time) January 26, 2018
When you forget the country is part of the planet pic.twitter.com/RfuP6EY7xj
— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) January 26, 2018
Go Gentle Into That Good Night, My Ass (I Won’t Go Gentle Into That Good Night)
— let’s go break some hearts (@QaraKoyunlu) January 26, 2018
we are a few months away from a newspaper story about an evil rich guy who has dogs or bees, or dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you
— Adam Serwer ???? (@AdamSerwer) January 26, 2018
Just discovered physical evidence of me trying to open a bottle of gatorade with a bowie knife last night. Glad that turned out ok!
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) January 26, 2018
They should do a Black Mirror episode about this watery Lean Cuisine… damn
— rachel andelman (@rajandelman) January 25, 2018
you better believe when i run tig notaro’s account i’m changing the password and never looking back
— Dan Glaser (@youranalogbuddy) January 25, 2018
TRUMP: Melania, come with me on a trip to Europe
MELANIA: No, I want to do something less depressing https://t.co/wwqfCwe6fI
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 25, 2018
I give every comedian just starting the same advice for getting ahead: call 1-800-COMEDY-BOYZ and ask for Bobby. They’re gonna say a Bobby doesn’t work there. That’s a test, keep asking for Bobby
— Gabriel ‘Very Nice’ Smith (@prettyboysalad) January 25, 2018
The perfect podcast: a bunch of semi-known comedians may have killed a guy and it’s a week by week investigation into which one did it
— yusef roach (@yusefroach) January 26, 2018
SLIPPERY SLOPE. pic.twitter.com/JHaX5ZbKKy
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) January 26, 2018
“Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court, we will show that this entire investigation arises out of a bitter dispute by Mr. Mueller over golf club fees.”
[gasps, shouting] “Order, order in this Court!”
— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) January 26, 2018
I go absolutely hogwild for old people yelling “brava!” at the symphony
— fran hoepfner (@franhoepfner) January 26, 2018
— Davis. (@realdaveimboden) January 23, 2018
The trick to watching SNL? Ya gotta treat it like a sport.
Lorne = The Coach, calling the plays and running the show.
The Host = The Coach, making headlines and leading the charge.
The Cast = The Coach, keeping things afloat and kicking major ass in the process.
— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) January 24, 2018
Jimmy Fallon would become a spokesperson who sells human meat to aliens
— Nocoiner (@victoriaxxviii) January 24, 2018
An honor just to be nominated, truly pic.twitter.com/QgpqVUqwZ2
— Michelle Spies It’s Not Pronounced How You Think (@spies_please) January 24, 2018
Troubled that I can’t decide whether my favorite Best Picture nominee is the sexy homo drama about young love, the sexy hetero romcom about uncompromising lunatics, or the sexy interspecies fable about fish sex.
— bobby finger (@bobbyfinger) January 23, 2018
me: ok clearly no one wants to see stuart little in a car crash. i dont want stuart to die. but could you imagine seeing that little air bag go off? it’s gotta be tiny. hilarious
therapist: ok, you’ve got a point
— eric turtle (@dubstep4dads) January 22, 2018
“If you can’t handle my country at Her worst, you don’t deserve Her at Her best.”
-Cory Booker’s tinder profile https://t.co/gY2Rs4439e
— Butt Praxis (@buttpraxis) January 23, 2018
I am quite sure that there is no such film as “Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.”
— Louis Anthony Loftus (@louisafloftus) January 22, 2018
How does the author of Heathcliff think gum works pic.twitter.com/9YhF9r4i5K
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 23, 2018
My favorite British adaptations of American TV:
Full Frontal = Full On Mental, Innit? Wid A Lass
Tosh.0 = Bruv, You See Dis On The Telly?
Cheers = Shite Pub, Innit?
Whose Line Is It Anyway? = We Call It A Queue!
Superstore = Harrods
— Harris Mayersohn (@harrismayer) January 23, 2018
In retrospect, perhaps we shouldn’t have a de-facto two-party parliament wherein the sole opposition to the white supremacist party of capital is the party of woke capital
— Natalie Shure (@nataliesurely) January 22, 2018
congrats dems pic.twitter.com/E1fNEWSevu
— 187 days ago Trump promised 24-hr Hezbollah answer (@MattNegrin) January 22, 2018
For shame! Advertising is full of sinful depictions of irresponsibly snowboarding bears and men dining while their mucus comes alive and taunts them
— ????s ????? (@JamesFolta) January 22, 2018
It’s insane that Thomas Middleditch plays like a malevolent asshole in the verizon commercials. He’s clearly despised by the people around him but his character is clearly a representative of the company. Just a sneering prick who loves verizon and never loses.
— ????churly whirly???? (@chumbawalden) January 22, 2018
“if we let fascists spread their ideas, everyone will see how ridiculous they are & disavow them,” i said, in the country where people hear about eating tide pods & then try it
— Shaun (@shaun_jen) January 21, 2018
Ready Player One? More like Ready Payer One, as in I’m ready for one payer, a “single payer,” if you will
— Stephen Aestheticson (@StAdkison) January 21, 2018