Here are last week’s funniest tweets. There were no funnier tweets. These tweets cover a wide variety of topical and non-topical subject matter, for instance: the government shutdown, which you may recall the Democrats caved on just seven days ago; Oscar nominations, the discourse surrounding which has only just begun; that thing where Trump tried to fire Mueller and wanted people to believe it was about golf club fees; that most sacred of art forms, podcasting; Melania Trump; the famed State of the Union Address; so-called “Tide Pods”; and “Other.” That’s all! I hope you have a good week, and more importantly, that I have a good week. Byeeeeeeeee
anytime I have to count to three I must do it in the Tootsie Pop owl voice I have no choice no it’s sad
we are a few months away from a newspaper story about an evil rich guy who has dogs or bees, or dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you
I give every comedian just starting the same advice for getting ahead: call 1-800-COMEDY-BOYZ and ask for Bobby. They’re gonna say a Bobby doesn’t work there. That’s a test, keep asking for Bobby
“Mr. Chief Justice, and may it please the Court, we will show that this entire investigation arises out of a bitter dispute by Mr. Mueller over golf club fees.”
— Michelle Spies It’s Not Pronounced How You Think (@spies_please) January 24, 2018
Troubled that I can’t decide whether my favorite Best Picture nominee is the sexy homo drama about young love, the sexy hetero romcom about uncompromising lunatics, or the sexy interspecies fable about fish sex.
me: ok clearly no one wants to see stuart little in a car crash. i dont want stuart to die. but could you imagine seeing that little air bag go off? it’s gotta be tiny. hilarious
In retrospect, perhaps we shouldn’t have a de-facto two-party parliament wherein the sole opposition to the white supremacist party of capital is the party of woke capital
It’s insane that Thomas Middleditch plays like a malevolent asshole in the verizon commercials. He’s clearly despised by the people around him but his character is clearly a representative of the company. Just a sneering prick who loves verizon and never loses.
“if we let fascists spread their ideas, everyone will see how ridiculous they are & disavow them,” i said, in the country where people hear about eating tide pods & then try it
