The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty
Here we are again: February 26, the 26th day of February. On this day in 364 CE, emperor Valentinian I of Rome was proclaimed emperor of Rome. On this day in 1266, two most historic sovereigns, Manfred of Sicily and Charles of Anjou, did battle during the Battle of Benevento. Meanwhile in 1534, Pope Paul II, the second Pope Paul, affirmed one George van Egmond as the Bishop of Utrecht, a city in the Netherlands known for its marvelous canals and storied bell tower. And then, in 2017, merely one human year ago, I had an eye doctor appointment. History—it’s all around us, if you only know where to look. And speaking of looking, why not look at these tweets:
every single shot in this thirty nine second clip from the matrix reloaded is the greatest shot in the history of cinema, until it is surpassed by the following shot pic.twitter.com/cqxxItm4CF
— j a c k s o n (@headfallsoff) February 24, 2018
Gold medalists are all alike; every silver medalist is unhappy in its own way.
— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) February 23, 2018
girl: come over
me: i can’t i’m hungry for egg
girl: im at the egg
me: pic.twitter.com/xdbcsF6GVq— law dog, esq. (@ggooooddddoogg) February 24, 2018
— a woman of size (@nigglysaurus) February 23, 2018
is it working until you die? I bet it’s working until you die https://t.co/2Qu3T096g6
— Sam Thielman (@samthielman) February 20, 2018
silicon valley: machine learning is the future
youtube: i see you enjoyed this video of a golden retriever that understands 1,000 different commands. would you like to see a similar video about feminist SJWs getting epically triggered and owned— ???????????? ???????????? ???????????????????? ????????????… (@DOGGEAUX) February 22, 2018
Health Care is a human right, which is why I’m proud to announce Human Rights Extra
— Will????Menaker (@willmenaker) February 22, 2018
If this had been a dril tweet it would’ve gotten 3,000 RTs https://t.co/oRzjkGHpZe
— Robert Wheel LLC (@BobbyBigWheel) February 22, 2018
the only good nyt opinion piece in the last 15 years was when maureen dowd got so twisted on edibles she thought she died. they should have shut it down after that and just left that one article on the website
— Patrick Cosmos (@veryimportant) February 20, 2018
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i’m cornman— Cornbot (@everycornman) February 23, 2018
so tragic he never got to finish his sentence pic.twitter.com/MMNUdAFv9B
— Sandy Honig (@sandyhonig) February 24, 2018
I’ve been working on this for 11 months. Please share and subscribe pic.twitter.com/s4GewNMXtq
— Brendan James (@deep_beige) February 23, 2018
— skylo? (@skyetenorio) February 24, 2018
Every time I ask my doctor a question I like to begin with, “so, you’re a doctor, right?”
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) February 24, 2018
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) February 22, 2018
Thank you Youtube for thoughtfully providing 4 different ways to express how good comments are pic.twitter.com/SxYc2P9BYH
— Casey Kolderup (@ckolderup) February 23, 2018
The amazing thing about this website is that on very rare occasions you can actually watch someone destroy themselves for no discernible reason
— derek davison (@dwdavison9318) February 23, 2018
— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) February 21, 2018
Owning firearms is the foundation of citizens’ liberty against government overreach. Also, instead of regulating firearms, we should have a government registry tracking everyone’s mental health status.
— Tom Scocca (@tomscocca) February 22, 2018
found my favorite stock images series pic.twitter.com/hDSdI1QUk1
— ??????????????? (@kadyrabbit) February 21, 2018
— fran hoepfner (@franhoepfner) February 21, 2018
tough but fair pic.twitter.com/8nPYhxjDR3
— @lana (@_lanabelle) February 21, 2018
thinking of you xx pic.twitter.com/NeLxFjjyT3
— nikki black ???? (@nikkiblackcat) February 20, 2018
The New York Times right now is like if you got cancer and your closest friend was like “the cancer makes some good points” https://t.co/7FPF9rg4ie
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) February 20, 2018
i have torched the president on the place he feels it most — his own feed. Meanwhile it is also the day when he feels it the most — president’s day. Feeling pretty good and i expect to sleep quite soundly tonight pic.twitter.com/WrUYAtmE1m
— Jon Millstein (@jmillstein) February 20, 2018
netflix was my idea
— mary houlihan (@maryhoulie) February 19, 2018
all the people doing “but her emails” jokes mocking the way hillary’s email scandal got blown out of proportion by morons are now posting that bernie sanders, jill stein, and cornel west are russian chaos agents
— TORMABLAIEFDHZSJKLNBDSFEJKL PICKASDFJKLFDSNMKOFDSJ (@Tormny_Pickeals) February 19, 2018
being an adult is just meeting up with people to complain about how much you hate everyone else and the whole time you all can’t wait to go home and be alone again
— Carina Hsieh (@carinahsieh) February 19, 2018
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
— wikipedia.org/en/Rain (@NINETIREDBUGS) February 11, 2018