The Funniest Tweets of the Week

I have worked long and hard collecting these tweets for you, my dear readers. First I got off the couch. Then, I moved to my desk. Then, I opened my laptop. Then I stared out the window for a bit. My neighbor was walking her dog; my other neighbor was smoking a cigarette. Things continued in this fashion until it was time for a break, which I spent checking up on all the various goings-on on Twitter. Smash cut to four hour laters when it was right now and I finally finished writing this paragraph. What a journey it’s been! And now, the tweets you’ve all been waiting for:

the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u

— Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) March 1, 2018

THIS WEEK ON RADIOLAB:
JAD: Have you ever wondered…
[miscellaneous hisses and pops]
ROBERT: Wondered?
JAD: …how many calories the human brain has?
[ambient synths]
ROBERT: Brains?
[circus music]
WOMAN’S VOICE: …so I shot a crossbow into my foot
JAD: This week on Radiolab

— Post-Culture Review (@PostCultRev) March 2, 2018

I CANT BREATHE pic.twitter.com/s8Ron3Uyu1

— sandra (@louistomIinsan) March 2, 2018

[doctor looking at my xrays]

Most Popular

• Exclusive Excerpt: A Young Weaver Struggles to Make Ends Meet in Beguiled
• Nope Is American Mythmaking Done Right
• NBC’s Grand Crew Is the Sunny Hangout Comedy You Need in Your Life

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) February 27, 2018

Got the boys coming over to wait for the mail pic.twitter.com/pT6KpDWEzK

— cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) February 27, 2018

Lord grant me the confidence of a person who raises their hand at a Q&A with, well, not exactly a question per se, more of a comment, an observation, really

— Dylan Marron (@dylanmarron) March 2, 2018

to clarify, i still think that “Porky Pig” should get the electric chair, but not enough to kill him, just enough to Scare him a little bit

— wint (@dril) March 4, 2018

he was baby driver, their existence is an affront to god—please welcome ansel elgort and barbra streisand’s dog clones

— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 5, 2018

Every time I say “Timothée Chalamet” I follow it with “…by L’Oréal.”

— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) March 4, 2018

???? pic.twitter.com/4L3bUD8nwy

— Vic Berger IV (@VicBergerIV) March 3, 2018

A father and his son are in a car crash. The father dies but the son is taken to the hospital. The surgeon looks at the boy and says “John Wick is not the worst movie I have ever seen.” How can this be? The surgeon has also seen John Wick 2

— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) March 4, 2018

Shape of Water stressed me out ok she was RUDE to her neighbors – basically flooded her entire building … that movie theater owner was so nice to her & how did she repay him?? Naked Fish freak in his theater ???????? Enough

— Marcia Belsky (@MarciaBelsky) March 4, 2018

The “AR” in AR-15 actually stands for Ayn Rand, and the 15 is for the age you should realize her philosophy is poison

— Nate Patrin (@natepatrin) March 1, 2018

hmm what could be causing the unraveling… pic.twitter.com/6VuFFoAWXy

Related Content

• Threads vs. Bluesky: Can There Be Two Twitter Replacements?
• Former NBCUniversal Ad Exec Linda Yaccarino Is Elon Musk's Choice To Run Twitter

— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) March 3, 2018

pic.twitter.com/vxEFYDxpuS

— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) March 3, 2018

pic.twitter.com/0BUgjwVRFh

— wwwdmmmffnn (@woodmuffin) March 2, 2018

In Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, which is nominated for an Oscar for best original screenplay, Doritos are described as “pointy.” If Martin McDonagh had ever eaten a Dorito or even Googled it, he would know that the edges are round.

— Carrie Wittmer???????? (@carriesnotscary) March 2, 2018

I, Tonya
You, Tonya: the sequel
He/She/It Tonya: final installment of the Tonya trilogy

We, Tonya: whoa! back for #4
Y’all, Tonya: remake of ‘You, Tonya’
They, Tonya: plot twist! this one’s about Nancy

— Karen Chee (@karencheee) March 2, 2018

We have to set aside partisan squabbling and stand with the president when he’s right https://t.co/7v6×6zcFZR

— jack allison (@jackallisonLOL) March 2, 2018

me trying to run in a nightmare

pic.twitter.com/cRMvcDDHtO

— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) February 27, 2018

When someone you’ve never interacted with has you blocked pic.twitter.com/dHzqeGEm0z

— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) March 2, 2018

An Oral History of Me Doing the Dishes

My wife: Well, I remember dinner was over.
M: That’s right, we were both done eating.
W: I think you said, what was it? “I’m going to do the dishes.”
M: Probably. That’s what I always say before I do the dishes, isn’t it?
W: (fondly) Yes.

— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) March 2, 2018

pic.twitter.com/ge849WIGPd

— The Infamous Sergio (@NostromoSerg) March 1, 2018

The worst thing about the National Review is you can’t even bully them because they’re constantly bullying themselves. pic.twitter.com/yeSkMN5f0X

— Kaleb Horton (@kalebhorton) March 1, 2018

I’ve started writing morbid poems in the comments of fitness selfies again…. pic.twitter.com/sBcxTR9j17

— ned riseley (@nriseley) March 1, 2018

while unveiling a multi billion dollar weapon that will kill thousands of women and children for no reason

“wazzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap” https://t.co/FczPxdlSRQ

— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) March 1, 2018

Someone gave Quentin Tarantino a pretty basic set of those word magnets you stick on your fridge for Christmas this year. https://t.co/OtEjZ9qJnB

— Grace St. Cloud (@GraceGThomas) March 1, 2018

DO YOU WANNA COME RUN WHITE HOUSE COMMUNICATIONS pic.twitter.com/lRTUirxTTX

— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) February 28, 2018

I, too, like to leave the White House for reasons totally unrelated to my testimony from one day earlier

— Owen Ellickson (@onlxn) February 28, 2018

[reading a crazy news headline] “Um, is this the onion?”

[watching a weird video] “What is this, the onion?”

[yelling after a car that zoomed past] “ARE YOU THE ONION????”

[standing in delivery room, holding son for the first time] ”…could it be? …the onion?”

— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) February 28, 2018

I ate your plums from the icebox because, in my pacificism, I can’t reject something delicious, even when it is so sweet and so cold

— Butt Praxis (@buttpraxis) February 27, 2018

Well, Shit: The New York Times Is Sagging pic.twitter.com/Z6eL6Msadp

— Gawken (@gawkenn) February 27, 2018