I have worked long and hard collecting these tweets for you, my dear readers. First I got off the couch. Then, I moved to my desk. Then, I opened my laptop. Then I stared out the window for a bit. My neighbor was walking her dog; my other neighbor was smoking a cigarette. Things continued in this fashion until it was time for a break, which I spent checking up on all the various goings-on on Twitter. Smash cut to four hour laters when it was right now and I finally finished writing this paragraph. What a journey it’s been! And now, the tweets you’ve all been waiting for:
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
THIS WEEK ON RADIOLAB: JAD: Have you ever wondered… [miscellaneous hisses and pops] ROBERT: Wondered? JAD: …how many calories the human brain has? [ambient synths] ROBERT: Brains? [circus music] WOMAN’S VOICE: …so I shot a crossbow into my foot JAD: This week on Radiolab
Lord grant me the confidence of a person who raises their hand at a Q&A with, well, not exactly a question per se, more of a comment, an observation, really
A father and his son are in a car crash. The father dies but the son is taken to the hospital. The surgeon looks at the boy and says “John Wick is not the worst movie I have ever seen.” How can this be? The surgeon has also seen John Wick 2
— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) March 4, 2018
Shape of Water stressed me out ok she was RUDE to her neighbors – basically flooded her entire building … that movie theater owner was so nice to her & how did she repay him?? Naked Fish freak in his theater ???????? Enough
In Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, which is nominated for an Oscar for best original screenplay, Doritos are described as “pointy.” If Martin McDonagh had ever eaten a Dorito or even Googled it, he would know that the edges are round.
— Carrie Wittmer???????? (@carriesnotscary) March 2, 2018
I, Tonya You, Tonya: the sequel He/She/It Tonya: final installment of the Tonya trilogy
We, Tonya: whoa! back for #4 Y’all, Tonya: remake of ‘You, Tonya’ They, Tonya: plot twist! this one’s about Nancy
My wife: Well, I remember dinner was over. M: That’s right, we were both done eating. W: I think you said, what was it? “I’m going to do the dishes.” M: Probably. That’s what I always say before I do the dishes, isn’t it? W: (fondly) Yes.
