Hey there were some pretty good tweets last week! Better than the average week, by my calculations, which are extensive and accurate. Here’s hoping we’ve got another great week of content ahead of us, be it text-based, image-based, video-based or even some combination of the above. But even if this week sucks and is bad, at least we’ll always have last week, which sucked and was good. And as usual, if you disagree with any of my selections, please do NOT contact me, I am VERY busy. Bye:
Imagine a whole Hawk at your front door ready to square tf up pic.twitter.com/7R1Q7hwDRq
— AJ the Negro (@RespekMyAt) March 31, 2018
I dont know if I like the direction these TV reboots are headed pic.twitter.com/cXh8lKrxBR
— Joseph Carnegie (@JoeCarnegie) April 1, 2018
friend: grieving i’m going to die alone
me: i’m going to die after days of being tortured for important secrets i refuse to reveal while the people i am protecting are patched through to a live feed and watching safely/helplessly from far, far away— KING RAINHEAD (@KingRainhead) April 1, 2018
Huge fan of protons. Electrons can go fuck themselves.
— Dave Anthony is not a cop (@daveanthony) April 1, 2018
Grateful that my line at this Seder is just my normal catchphrase. pic.twitter.com/I6VeTJr4TE
— George Civeris (@georgeciveris) April 1, 2018
cool pic.twitter.com/owh7MTDJtN
— clare o’kane (@babysfirstgun) March 31, 2018
Tfw u hate a lizard https://t.co/XGcGfpuJVq
— ???????????????????????? ???????????????????????? (@RYLANDDUNCAN) March 31, 2018
roseanne (tv character): well dan i like trump because he cares about working people like us
roseanne (real person): trump is secretly exposing obama’s plot to sell christian children to the lizard people— mark (@kept_simple) March 31, 2018
I’m sorry but Detective Pikachu being a wholly different entity from Pikachu is where I tap out. I am too old for this
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) March 30, 2018
The whole Shakespeare Association of America loves the eternal bard, a lovely bard who writes plays and poems four centuries later We regret to inform you the bard is Edward de Vere
— Michael Lutz (@WarrenIsDead) March 30, 2018
— fff (@UKIPBLACKPOOL_) March 30, 2018
The fact that firemen use a pole really highlights how none of us have to get to where we’re going that badly
— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) March 30, 2018
— Chanel (@circusgoth) March 30, 2018
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) March 29, 2018
If you liked “Making a Murderer” and “Serial” then you will LOVE that I just killed someone and am now denying it
— mike sacks (@michaelbsacks) March 29, 2018
i mean pic.twitter.com/WyTgSqxaiq
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) March 30, 2018
— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) March 29, 2018
my fav part of SNL’s Facebook page is when people pitch their own sketches in the comments pic.twitter.com/VchNzmNQdZ
— Chelsea Christian (@chelsea_xtian) March 30, 2018
At long last, an accessory that will allow me to express my enthusiasm for the weekend pic.twitter.com/RWPC3V0NWh
— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) March 29, 2018
When anyone says anything even slightly less than positive about me https://t.co/02n3Zw8×1Q
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) March 29, 2018
i regret to inform you that this has been brought to my attention pic.twitter.com/KLNSNoDpEl
— lan-tzah ball (@_lanabelle) March 29, 2018
Don’t judge the new Roseanne till you’ve seen all of it. Yes, she starts out hyperconservative, but by the end of the season she’s evolved and is fighting for ISIS in Syria
— pixelated boat [ASMR] binaural 4 hours (@pixelatedboat) March 28, 2018
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) March 29, 2018
ive always loved this michael burton quote pic.twitter.com/UnC93sNVOS
— Andrea More (@amore_orless) March 29, 2018
Flipped this open in a bookstore and this was the first sentence I read. Imagine the knowledge he’s laying down in all the other sentences pic.twitter.com/uNPhtk4foy
— Hayes Davenport (@hayesdavenport) March 29, 2018
Sometimes taking the risk pays off pic.twitter.com/AQzzrIVaXB
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) March 28, 2018
SENATE BAILIFF: Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and—
MARK ZUCKERBERG [with a big fake smile]: So, that’s a great question, and it’s something everyone at Facebook is really passionate about
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) March 27, 2018
HOBO 1: hey I found some trash meat
HOBO 2: oh wow I found some stale bread
HOBO 1: I also found some gross old cheese whiz
HOBO 2: let’s make disgusting sandwiches
SOME GUY FROM 1930’s PHILADELPHIA: this is our official food now— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) March 28, 2018
Every time you fight a famous person on here a bunch of random people chime in to be like “don’t you listen to him , Paul Giamatti!!! You’re better than him! Come on let’s get out of here”
— Jake Flores (@feraljokes) March 28, 2018
— grace perry (@perryjetaime) March 28, 2018
when someone put their lunch in the fridge and it pushed mine way in the back pic.twitter.com/WXxX1gtLIh
— fella’s guy (@OkButStill) March 28, 2018
Comedians, whose livelihoods are determined by people standing up and clapping at their jokes, love to remind you that they don’t care what you think about their jokes
— Ryan (@Integrity_Guy) March 26, 2018
When I found out my dad does no shows a week I beat the shit out of him.
— Carmen Christopher (@CarmChristopher) March 27, 2018
had to stop and catch my breath pic.twitter.com/D4gZeHojhO
— doctor peanut (@NINETIREDBUGS) March 27, 2018
huge fan of standup comics that hate twitter because of the feedback they get on it but decide it’s a sacrifice that must be made so they can continue posting terrible tweet versions of their material
— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) March 28, 2018
i think a fight is about to break out in the subway i’m on pic.twitter.com/q1Mfod38S4
— GeekDad401 (@woag_) March 27, 2018
Types of Jewish holidays:
1. Suffer now like we suffered then
2. These people tried to kill us but we killed them
3. ??? Trees I guess— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) March 27, 2018
This seems inappropriate for a choking sign. pic.twitter.com/7NUrrdbHTv
— Rajat Suresh (@rajat_suresh) March 27, 2018
I have a million dollar prize offer for the first journalist who can write about sports and business without using a sports pun. It has gone unclaimed. pic.twitter.com/93XG5Tu5sX
— Matt Powers (@MattPowersESQ) March 27, 2018
Big thanks to @andersoncooper for letting me ask Stormy a question last night.
I have always dreamed of asking Stormy if she “has any tips for an aspiring writer.” pic.twitter.com/xAOrUBs8Ag
— Harris Mayersohn (@harrismayer) March 26, 2018
I’m a garbage human being. pic.twitter.com/oiXEwb87xu
— Rebecca Pahle (@RebeccaPahle) March 25, 2018
terrifying pic.twitter.com/Svy6FnDi1e
— Josh Fruhlinger (@jfruh) March 26, 2018