Hey there were some pretty good tweets last week! Better than the average week, by my calculations, which are extensive and accurate. Here’s hoping we’ve got another great week of content ahead of us, be it text-based, image-based, video-based or even some combination of the above. But even if this week sucks and is bad, at least we’ll always have last week, which sucked and was good. And as usual, if you disagree with any of my selections, please do NOT contact me, I am VERY busy. Bye:
friend: grieving i’m going to die alone me: i’m going to die after days of being tortured for important secrets i refuse to reveal while the people i am protecting are patched through to a live feed and watching safely/helplessly from far, far away
— ???????????????????????? ???????????????????????? (@RYLANDDUNCAN) March 31, 2018
roseanne (tv character): well dan i like trump because he cares about working people like us roseanne (real person): trump is secretly exposing obama’s plot to sell christian children to the lizard people
The whole Shakespeare Association of America loves the eternal bard, a lovely bard who writes plays and poems four centuries later We regret to inform you the bard is Edward de Vere
Don’t judge the new Roseanne till you’ve seen all of it. Yes, she starts out hyperconservative, but by the end of the season she’s evolved and is fighting for ISIS in Syria
Flipped this open in a bookstore and this was the first sentence I read. Imagine the knowledge he’s laying down in all the other sentences pic.twitter.com/uNPhtk4foy
HOBO 1: hey I found some trash meat HOBO 2: oh wow I found some stale bread HOBO 1: I also found some gross old cheese whiz HOBO 2: let’s make disgusting sandwiches SOME GUY FROM 1930’s PHILADELPHIA: this is our official food now
Every time you fight a famous person on here a bunch of random people chime in to be like “don’t you listen to him , Paul Giamatti!!! You’re better than him! Come on let’s get out of here”
Comedians, whose livelihoods are determined by people standing up and clapping at their jokes, love to remind you that they don’t care what you think about their jokes
huge fan of standup comics that hate twitter because of the feedback they get on it but decide it’s a sacrifice that must be made so they can continue posting terrible tweet versions of their material
I have a million dollar prize offer for the first journalist who can write about sports and business without using a sports pun. It has gone unclaimed. pic.twitter.com/93XG5Tu5sX
