Last week was a great week for famous men saying wild shit. Rudy Giuliani, Kanye West, Elon Musk with his candy company idea, Donald Trumpwith his big rally, Jeff Bezos with his thing about how he can’t think of anything else to do with his money but space travel… what incredible content! As for me, I didn’t say anything wild last week, except for when the cat bit me on Friday night and I exclaimed “you Judas!” Don’t worry, though—while the bite did break the skin, I have not yet come down with what’s called “blood poisoning” and appear to be in the clear. Which is great news for everybody, because without me you might never get to see these hot tweets:
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
When people meet me in person after only knowing me from social media they are always shocked to find out I’m nothing like my online persona and in fact have a much worse personality.
MAYOR: Kevin it’s me, the mayor. I’m here to declare that you are BY FAR our town’s most interesting resident! Now let’s get to that parade in honor of your endlessly fascinating mind!
lol somebody was screaming into their phone on the street and I made eye contact with them as I walked by and then they shouted “and now I got this crooked eyed motherfucker looking at me!”
If a train runs into one of its own passenger cars, it explodes. If it runs into an unattached passenger car, it becomes one car longer. The rules are the same as Snake
the bird that lives in this birdhouse makes $240,000 a day by making other birds work in his warehouse for 5 sunflower seeds an hour pic.twitter.com/cY6reoqDwj
— i bless the rains down in Castamere (@Chinchillazllla) May 2, 2018
so many surreal things have happened in this presidency, but I think the number one story that would have made me be like “sorry, huh?” is Lawyer Representing Woman Suing President Over Affair Hush Money Appears on Late Night Show
Thor’s physical journey throughout the MCU reminds me of a Barbie I tried to give The Rachel so many times that she just ended up with holes in her head pic.twitter.com/MqWIhMyWrN
— Carrie Wittmer???????? (@carriesnotscary) May 2, 2018
I must watch the Titanic sink in real time. Thankfully there exists such a video enjoyed by 28 million people who are just as insane as me pic.twitter.com/BmqY5mQykx
