Last week was a great week for famous men saying wild shit. Rudy Giuliani, Kanye West, Elon Musk with his candy company idea, Donald Trump with his big rally, Jeff Bezos with his thing about how he can’t think of anything else to do with his money but space travel… what incredible content! As for me, I didn’t say anything wild last week, except for when the cat bit me on Friday night and I exclaimed “you Judas!” Don’t worry, though—while the bite did break the skin, I have not yet come down with what’s called “blood poisoning” and appear to be in the clear. Which is great news for everybody, because without me you might never get to see these hot tweets:
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
— Viorica Marian (@VioricaMarian1) May 5, 2018
I think he sometimes just forgets there’s a dog door pic.twitter.com/91DBnncGtA
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 6, 2018
me in real life: i’m a very private and reserved person, i don’t like talking about my personal life
me on twitter: pic.twitter.com/fv4flDW9QT
— jerry (@stylestruIy) May 5, 2018
— harley @ 356 days (@zansakurazanka) May 5, 2018
When people meet me in person after only knowing me from social media they are always shocked to find out I’m nothing like my online persona and in fact have a much worse personality.
— Jake Weisman (@weismanjake) May 6, 2018
Fixed it. pic.twitter.com/65h9dQcfEw
— feminist next door (@emrazz) May 1, 2018
John McCain’s corpse… welcome to the resistance pic.twitter.com/ACOOyi8Vfv
— Churlish (@Cryptoterra) May 5, 2018
— Alison Herman (@aherman2006) May 6, 2018
FRIEND: I liked a thing
ME: Well I actually DISLIKED that thing!
MAYOR: Kevin it’s me, the mayor. I’m here to declare that you are BY FAR our town’s most interesting resident! Now let’s get to that parade in honor of your endlessly fascinating mind!
— Kevin T. Paddington (@KevinTPorter) May 4, 2018
lol somebody was screaming into their phone on the street and I made eye contact with them as I walked by and then they shouted “and now I got this crooked eyed motherfucker looking at me!”
— brans????n reese (@bransonreese) May 4, 2018
If a train runs into one of its own passenger cars, it explodes. If it runs into an unattached passenger car, it becomes one car longer. The rules are the same as Snake
— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) May 3, 2018
amazing night…… been way too long since i hung out with my good friend the actor taylor lautner pic.twitter.com/uPWttyUJlS
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) May 4, 2018
the bird that lives in this birdhouse makes $240,000 a day by making other birds work in his warehouse for 5 sunflower seeds an hour pic.twitter.com/cY6reoqDwj
— i bless the rains down in Castamere (@Chinchillazllla) May 2, 2018
so many surreal things have happened in this presidency, but I think the number one story that would have made me be like “sorry, huh?” is Lawyer Representing Woman Suing President Over Affair Hush Money Appears on Late Night Show
— Nicole Silverberg (@nsilverberg) May 4, 2018
i think Thanos killing half the entire population of the universe is going to be so great for comedy
— dom nero (@dominicknero) May 4, 2018
Axe…b-bobby…I don’t feel…s-so good… pic.twitter.com/ejbnBFN2Ju
— Ed Zitron (@edzitron) May 3, 2018
NBC knows what the people want! pic.twitter.com/QRh8jypw4K
— Harris Mayersohn (@harrismayer) May 2, 2018
I’m changing my password to “peace,” and I implore you to do so as well. It might just be the thing the world needs right now. https://t.co/eMdvzblAt3
— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) May 3, 2018
When you and your lawyer did a good plan pic.twitter.com/qJDaXiDx7O
— Alena Smith (@internetalena) May 3, 2018
Rudy Giuliani is looking good!
— Father (@timheidecker) May 3, 2018
due to recent events, i have generously reduced my weekly donation to cambridge analytica by 40%. And nobody is reporting this
— wint (@dril) April 30, 2018
Thor’s physical journey throughout the MCU reminds me of a Barbie I tried to give The Rachel so many times that she just ended up with holes in her head pic.twitter.com/MqWIhMyWrN
— Carrie Wittmer???????? (@carriesnotscary) May 2, 2018
flat-out irresponsible pic.twitter.com/Za8J7tGOvX
— brian feldman (@bafeldman) May 2, 2018
I must watch the Titanic sink in real time. Thankfully there exists such a video enjoyed by 28 million people who are just as insane as me pic.twitter.com/BmqY5mQykx
— Nick Ciarelli (@nickciarelli) May 2, 2018
THE INFINITY STONES WERE HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT pic.twitter.com/NxzDSs0rgd
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) May 2, 2018
You know Facebook, that place where you like everybody? Well, what if… you could date those people
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) May 1, 2018
— ????Insatiable Gun Taker???? (@crushingbort) May 2, 2018
— Michelle Spies (@spies_please) May 2, 2018
The road trip ruiner has logged on pic.twitter.com/Lj8ZzcYWPM
— regular person (@Merman_Melville) May 1, 2018
i’m shakeing with rage pic.twitter.com/sluYKjK4dc
— j.r. hennessy (@jrhennessy) May 1, 2018
my goal is to be a writer’s assistant by 39
— Andrea More (@amore_orless) May 1, 2018
What was this guy’s plan? pic.twitter.com/Jqh5APNuJw
— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) April 30, 2018
(Comedian sees Michelle Wolf getting in trouble) As a Fellow Comedian, let me be the first to say that we are the real heroes,
— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) April 30, 2018