Last week was a great week for famous men saying wild shit. Rudy Giuliani, Kanye West, Elon Musk with his candy company idea, Donald Trump with his big rally, Jeff Bezos with his thing about how he can’t think of anything else to do with his money but space travel… what incredible content! As for me, I didn’t say anything wild last week, except for when the cat bit me on Friday night and I exclaimed “you Judas!” Don’t worry, though—while the bite did break the skin, I have not yet come down with what’s called “blood poisoning” and appear to be in the clear. Which is great news for everybody, because without me you might never get to see these hot tweets:
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
— Viorica Marian (@VioricaMarian1) May 5, 2018
I think he sometimes just forgets there’s a dog door pic.twitter.com/91DBnncGtA
— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) May 6, 2018
me in real life: i’m a very private and reserved person, i don’t like talking about my personal life
me on twitter: pic.twitter.com/fv4flDW9QT
— jerry (@stylestruIy) May 5, 2018
— harley @ 356 days (@zansakurazanka) May 5, 2018
When people meet me in person after only knowing me from social media they are always shocked to find out I’m nothing like my online persona and in fact have a much worse personality.