Last week began with a congressional candidate revealing her white supremacist opponent’s interest in Bigfoot porn; it ended with Donald Trump pretty much implicating Don Jr. in collusion. And boy, all sorts of great stuff happened in between: MoviePass imploded, Marc Maron confirmed that he’s gonna be in the Joaquin Phoenix Joker movie, the right went after Sarah Jeong and the Times did a mealy-mouthed job defending her, Russia made Steven Seagal some sort of envoy to the US, Nazis had a rally in Portland and it became August. Wow! As for me, I flew on a plane to New York City and saw some improv. Cool! Yeah. Okay, here:
lol Trump described Don Jr with the same adjective he used for turkeys, being at the scene of a mass shooting, and a guy he fired on the toilet pic.twitter.com/OU4TFcgoaZ
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) August 5, 2018
the sexual tension between these two beach houses???? lmao pic.twitter.com/tqFmn4toCN
— sullen girl (@houndsofluv) August 5, 2018
why he look like a hot fudge sundae pic.twitter.com/vUQzQX7pnr
— alcoholic shitpost bot (@cranberries) August 5, 2018
2018 AD. Koko the gorilla lies dead. The world is in chaos.
— Insatiable Gun Taker (@crushingbort) August 5, 2018
carly rae jepsen runs around stage with a sword: girls call her “queen,” “god,” etc
i run around the park with a sword: girls call me “park sword dork”sexism in america ladies and gentlemen
— mark (@kept_simple) August 5, 2018
When New Yorkers hear a violin pic.twitter.com/KqkkzOmpsm
— Junebug (@juneelite) August 4, 2018
Workshopping slogan for kids pic.twitter.com/58pT8TELHt
— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) August 4, 2018
starting a podcast where each week we sit quietly and listen to a different, better podcast
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) August 4, 2018
Every person I end up behind at the TSA checkpoint: pic.twitter.com/Pw5ZuV78Md
— Tiffany M. Graves (@tiffmgraves) August 4, 2018
Odysseus returned to Ithaca and killed all of Penelope’s reply guys
— andy s (@CIAGoFundMe) August 3, 2018
cellmate: the fuck you just say to me
me: [nervous but slightly louder] i said damn daniel
— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 2, 2018
I saw the most conspicuous vehicle ever pic.twitter.com/3xQCmtL1oI
— Noirette (@_choromi) August 2, 2018
The third time you eat at a restaurant is so important. They ask “steak and cheese sub, right,” smiling. That’s when you need to decide whether you’ll ever order anything else
— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) August 2, 2018
Not sure of source but oh my god????? pic.twitter.com/7z87zRoUzO
— Kirsten Howard (@emotionalpedant) July 30, 2018
My fave part of The Usual Suspects is when the detective realizes the names and details from the story match up with things in his office & is blown away by the coincidence of it all— the symmetry of God’s universe. This helps ease the pain of never knowing who Keyser Soze was.
— MARK LITTLE VERY GOOD (@markmarklittle) August 1, 2018
“Make women’s fragrance names less sexist”
Impulse: pic.twitter.com/hSXgo8It3L— Helen Whitehouse (@actuallyhelenw) August 1, 2018
T – 20
R – 18
U – 21
M – 13
P – 1620+18+21+13+16=88
Now bear with me
8+8=16
1+6=7
16+7=23+7=30Watch closely now
30×45=1354
2020-1354=666
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) July 31, 2018
— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) July 30, 2018
“So, Joker…who are your guys? Ed Gein? Ted Bundy? Bozo?” https://t.co/Q2jSfJxR3C
— Dave Schilling (@dave_schilling) July 31, 2018
I’m a fish
I’m a lover
I am in The
Shape of Water— regular person (@Merman_Melville) July 30, 2018
I’m a fish
I’m a lover
I am in The
Shape of Water— regular person (@Merman_Melville) July 30, 2018
I remember when the simpsons movie came out and people couldn’t Fuckin believe spider pig
— big al (@vcubikecop) July 30, 2018
Best part of twitter: getting RT’d
Worst part of twitter: losing job/family
— Sean Clements (@SeanClements) July 31, 2018
Used to hate the garlic press because it was hard to clean but today I realized it’s really easy if I just clean it right after I use it. I was the problem
— Hayes Davenport (@hayesdavenport) July 31, 2018
RIP to MoviePass, a great socialist scheme accidentally implemented by very confused capitalists
— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) July 30, 2018
REST IN PEACE MOVIEPASS
Here’s my tribute to your beautiful service pic.twitter.com/HBQLfnklHe
— Harris Mayersohn (@harrismayer) July 30, 2018
this doesn’t bode well for my startup MoviePassPass, which gets you a MoviePass subscription for only $3.99 a month
— Sam Adams (@SamuelAAdams) July 30, 2018
me tagging elon musk when I see someone on twitter dot com making fun of him. pic.twitter.com/8F6V25nVHe
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) July 30, 2018
Your comedy: safe, stale, boring
My comedy: daring, illegal, is an armed robbery
— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) July 30, 2018
Your comedy: safe, stale, boring
My comedy: daring, illegal, is an armed robbery
— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) July 30, 2018
I am starting a restaurant called Seeso!!
— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) July 29, 2018
I know this is not fun but the comedy thing here would be to smash cut to her funeral https://t.co/LrNmmqxMlE
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018
Breaking The Comedian’s Code: Comedy’s Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed pic.twitter.com/dHbUN1UBEE
— jack allison (@jackallisonLOL) July 30, 2018
In Congressional Race, The Shadow Of Bigfoot’s Giant Dick Looms
— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) July 30, 2018