The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Last week began with a congressional candidate revealing her white supremacist opponent’s interest in Bigfoot porn; it ended with Donald Trump pretty much implicating Don Jr. in collusion. And boy, all sorts of great stuff happened in between: MoviePass imploded, Marc Maron confirmed that he’s gonna be in the Joaquin Phoenix Joker movie, the right went after Sarah Jeong and the Times did a mealy-mouthed job defending her, Russia made Steven Seagal some sort of envoy to the US, Nazis had a rally in Portland and it became August. Wow! As for me, I flew on a plane to New York City and saw some improv. Cool! Yeah. Okay, here:

lol Trump described Don Jr with the same adjective he used for turkeys, being at the scene of a mass shooting, and a guy he fired on the toilet pic.twitter.com/OU4TFcgoaZ

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) August 5, 2018

the sexual tension between these two beach houses???? lmao pic.twitter.com/tqFmn4toCN

— sullen girl (@houndsofluv) August 5, 2018

why he look like a hot fudge sundae pic.twitter.com/vUQzQX7pnr

— alcoholic shitpost bot (@cranberries) August 5, 2018

2018 AD. Koko the gorilla lies dead. The world is in chaos.

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— Insatiable Gun Taker (@crushingbort) August 5, 2018

carly rae jepsen runs around stage with a sword: girls call her “queen,” “god,” etc
i run around the park with a sword: girls call me “park sword dork”

sexism in america ladies and gentlemen

— mark (@kept_simple) August 5, 2018

When New Yorkers hear a violin pic.twitter.com/KqkkzOmpsm

— Junebug (@juneelite) August 4, 2018

Workshopping slogan for kids pic.twitter.com/58pT8TELHt

— jeremy levick (@levickjeremy) August 4, 2018

starting a podcast where each week we sit quietly and listen to a different, better podcast

— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) August 4, 2018

Every person I end up behind at the TSA checkpoint: pic.twitter.com/Pw5ZuV78Md

— Tiffany M. Graves (@tiffmgraves) August 4, 2018

Odysseus returned to Ithaca and killed all of Penelope’s reply guys

— andy s (@CIAGoFundMe) August 3, 2018

cellmate: the fuck you just say to me

me: [nervous but slightly louder] i said damn daniel

— Shen the Bird (@Shen_the_Bird) August 2, 2018

I saw the most conspicuous vehicle ever pic.twitter.com/3xQCmtL1oI

— Noirette (@_choromi) August 2, 2018

The third time you eat at a restaurant is so important. They ask “steak and cheese sub, right,” smiling. That’s when you need to decide whether you’ll ever order anything else

— rachel jane andelman (@rajandelman) August 2, 2018

Not sure of source but oh my god????? pic.twitter.com/7z87zRoUzO

— Kirsten Howard (@emotionalpedant) July 30, 2018

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My fave part of The Usual Suspects is when the detective realizes the names and details from the story match up with things in his office & is blown away by the coincidence of it all— the symmetry of God’s universe. This helps ease the pain of never knowing who Keyser Soze was.

— MARK LITTLE VERY GOOD (@markmarklittle) August 1, 2018

“Make women’s fragrance names less sexist”
Impulse: pic.twitter.com/hSXgo8It3L

— Helen Whitehouse (@actuallyhelenw) August 1, 2018

T – 20
R – 18
U – 21
M – 13
P – 16

20+18+21+13+16=88

Now bear with me

8+8=16
1+6=7
16+7=23+7=30

Watch closely now

30×45=1354

2020-1354=666

— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) July 31, 2018

pic.twitter.com/xUevXXw9ck

— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) July 30, 2018

“So, Joker…who are your guys? Ed Gein? Ted Bundy? Bozo?” https://t.co/Q2jSfJxR3C

— Dave Schilling (@dave_schilling) July 31, 2018

I’m a fish
I’m a lover
I am in The
Shape of Water

— regular person (@Merman_Melville) July 30, 2018

I’m a fish
I’m a lover
I am in The
Shape of Water

— regular person (@Merman_Melville) July 30, 2018

I remember when the simpsons movie came out and people couldn’t Fuckin believe spider pig

— big al (@vcubikecop) July 30, 2018

Best part of twitter: getting RT’d

Worst part of twitter: losing job/family

— Sean Clements (@SeanClements) July 31, 2018

Used to hate the garlic press because it was hard to clean but today I realized it’s really easy if I just clean it right after I use it. I was the problem

— Hayes Davenport (@hayesdavenport) July 31, 2018

RIP to MoviePass, a great socialist scheme accidentally implemented by very confused capitalists

— Zach Schonfeld (@zzzzaaaacccchhh) July 30, 2018

REST IN PEACE MOVIEPASS

Here’s my tribute to your beautiful service pic.twitter.com/HBQLfnklHe

— Harris Mayersohn (@harrismayer) July 30, 2018

this doesn’t bode well for my startup MoviePassPass, which gets you a MoviePass subscription for only $3.99 a month

— Sam Adams (@SamuelAAdams) July 30, 2018

me tagging elon musk when I see someone on twitter dot com making fun of him. pic.twitter.com/8F6V25nVHe

— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) July 30, 2018

Your comedy: safe, stale, boring

My comedy: daring, illegal, is an armed robbery

— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) July 30, 2018

Your comedy: safe, stale, boring

My comedy: daring, illegal, is an armed robbery

— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) July 30, 2018

I am starting a restaurant called Seeso!!

— Mitra Jouhari (@tweetrajouhari) July 29, 2018

I know this is not fun but the comedy thing here would be to smash cut to her funeral https://t.co/LrNmmqxMlE

— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018

Breaking The Comedian’s Code: Comedy’s Biggest Secrets Finally Revealed pic.twitter.com/dHbUN1UBEE

— jack allison (@jackallisonLOL) July 30, 2018

In Congressional Race, The Shadow Of Bigfoot’s Giant Dick Looms

— Ashley Feinberg (@ashleyfeinberg) July 30, 2018