The Winklevi Have a Band

It brings us no joy to inform you that Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, best-known as the big rowing boys who sued Mark Zuckerberg and were henceforth depicted by Armie Hammer in 2010’s The Social Network, have pivoted to music. Their “hard-hitting rock band” Mars Junction—of which they seem very proud, given the prominence of that exact description in both of their Twitter bios—not only exists, but also sounds exactly like what you’d expect from two billionaires with inverse amounts of a) unchecked hubris and b) anything better to do.

“Mayhaps the Winklevi have an artistic side of which I was previously unaware!” you might be thinking. “You never know, those fellows could contain untold creative multitudes!” The bio the band has provided to venues—where they are playing shows, inflicting themselves on presumably innocent people—will cure you of that optimism in mere moments:

Mars Junction, featuring Tyler (vocals) and Cameron (guitar) Winklevoss, is a newly formed hard-hitting rock band that will have you singing and dancing all night long to your favorite songs from artists like “The Killers”, “Blink 182”, “Rage Against The Machine”, and many more. Come on out and party with us!

What’s your favorite detail? The mention of no one but the Winklevoss Twins? The notion that you, an audience member, will be “singing […] all night long,” as if to subtly suggest Tyler can’t handle that tall task on his own? The inexplicable quotation marks around the band names? The commas outside those quotation marks? (OK, that one’s probably just me.) The fact that two pieces of The Machine are covering Rage Against themselves? No wrong answers here!