Bill Cosby Plans to Hold “Town Halls” About Sexual Assault

In an insane twist of events, Bill Cosby plans to hold town hall-style meetings in which he discusses sexual assault. Although this sounds like a last-ditch effort to improve his image in the wake of his mistrial, Cosby is not interested in helping victims of sexual assault. What he plans to speak about at the town halls is—try your best to hold your lunch down—avoiding getting charged with sexual assault.

When we heard about this, our first thought was, “What the fuck?” Our immediate second thought was also, “What the fuck?” After the initial shock wore off, we realized that good can’t be expected from evil, and some people are just plain evil. According to Cosby’s spokespeople, he wants to “get back to work” and “talk to young people.” Talk to young people about what, you might ask? That’s right: avoiding getting charged with sexual assault.

As if enough people—mainly women—weren’t already timid about coming out with details of a sexual assault they experienced for fear of people not believing them, Cosby wants to make sure people who commit the assaults know how to dodge any legal ramifications for their wrongdoing. “The issue can affect any young person, especially young athletes of today,” his spokesperson Andrew Wyatt told Alabama’s WBRC. “They need to know what they’re facing when they’re hanging out and partying, when they’re doing certain things that they shouldn’t be doing.”