The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo of Matt Gaetz courtesy of Getty
Sure, the west continues to slide closer towards fascism, and our democracy is facing an unparalleled crisis where one of two parties has fully embraced lawlessness and is now openly talking about a third term for their grease-stained Takhomasak of a president, but at least we have an app devoted solely to constantly reminding us about all of this to keep us company. Okay, one out of every 2000 or so tweets isn’t a huge flashing arrow pointed directly at whatever makes you most angry, sad or afraid, and those rare drizzlings of quality laffs is pretty much the only reason to not throw your twitter machine directly into the sun. It’s not healthy or right to forget about Trump or the UK election or everything else terrible in the world today, but it might be healthy to try and wring some grim chucks out of all this monstrosity. Here’s where the tweets come in. These are our faves for the week, a particularly terrible week, all things considered.
Absolutely gutted for this man who couldn’t get horny at Walmart today. pic.twitter.com/n6tuV4zY22
— Dana Schwartz (@DanaSchwartzzz) December 6, 2019
ok you know Garfields litterbox be fucked up!!
— Dan Licata (@danlicatasucks) December 7, 2019
thank you but I don’t need anyone to tell me I’m brave I drove around with a red hot chili peppers sticker on every car I owned for ten years
— Sarah Everett (@goddammitsarah) December 7, 2019
To think a Scientologist on cocaine in Burbank said “baby yoda” in a meeting a year ago and now it’s all this.
— Tim Heidecker (@timheidecker) December 7, 2019
I am the Rihanna of standup (refuse to write new material, have made millions selling makeup).
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) December 8, 2019
every time clint eastwood makes a new movie now its like that kids in the hall skit where grampa makes his last poo
— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) December 10, 2019
Wenceslas! We stan a good king!
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) December 11, 2019
this guy saw joe pera talks to you and wanted in on the action https://t.co/suJmROK5PB
— Seth Simons (@sasimons) December 10, 2019
The fucking asterix explaining the analogy is sending me pic.twitter.com/6Pl2zganzr
— rusty kaJe (@Smith_n_Chips) December 11, 2019
Trump thinks Greta needs to ‘chill’ about the continued existence of life on Earth, but here’s how mad he got about the size of the iPhone screen pic.twitter.com/LrtMs5OjlG
— Sean Morrow (@snmrrw) December 12, 2019
Some life hacks for my UK friends:
call an Uber instead of an ambulancetake your dog’s medications
– don’t get sick— Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) December 12, 2019
charlize was great, but overall ‘bombshell’ felt like how i imagine it would be if there were fox news conventions where people cosplayed
— my pal andy (@andylevy) December 13, 2019
You just can’t beat the core British value of “we hate ourselves and we deserve to suffer”
— pixelated boat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) December 12, 2019
I am catsitting next week and literally the only thing I know about cats is that it’s okay to give them salami, and I’m not even sure if that’s true.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) December 13, 2019
knick knack paddywhack give a dog… a loan???? how one local bank has gone to the dogs, tonight on eyewitness 12
— dan chamberlain (@amfmpm) December 12, 2019
Heartwarming! Ring doorbell camera captures Amazon delivery driver peeing in a bottle because he’s not allowed to take a break
— jordan (@JordanUhl) December 12, 2019
when you tweet an opinion about Star Wars https://t.co/jNnyX03MHY
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) December 12, 2019
I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your email but I glanced at it, vowed to deal with it later, and now the very thought of even opening it fills me with crippling dread.
— Olivia Nuzzi (@Olivianuzzi) December 12, 2019
Destroy every canon. Fuck Disney. Baby yoda is a juggalo now. MCL to my lil guy pic.twitter.com/wJ5SE6VuSV
— Jeff (@PureStrongStyle) December 12, 2019
When a white guy’s losing a roast battle to a black guy: pic.twitter.com/dtKbyis1Gh
— Damon Wayans Yunior? (@wayansjr) December 12, 2019
Someone please clarify, am I supposed to bully children or not ?? pic.twitter.com/QufFJZIpYe
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) December 13, 2019
Ultimately, Corbyn simply couldn’t overcome Britain’s perverse desire to be ruled by a guy who looks like Barney Rubble
— pixelated boat aka “mr tweets” (@pixelatedboat) December 13, 2019
Found the best tiktok ever pic.twitter.com/7xdQOBlQ3Q
— 6’4 with heels on (@leslieejimenez) December 12, 2019