The Funniest Tweets of the Week
Photo courtesy of Getty Images
By the time you read this I’ll be at Disney World. Not because I won the Super Bowl, but because my particular form of depression makes me want to retreat to the comfort of childhood as often as possible. I need to set regular goal posts to stay motivated and slog through the daily morass, and unfortunately the things that work best are soulless pop culture events related to things I’ve loved since I was young—a comic book movie, or the kind of dingy rock shows I’ve been going to since high school, or the release of a new videogame. Nothing works better than a trip to Disney, though, probably because nothing makes me feel more like a child. Unsurprisingly, none of these things leave me feeling as immediately depressed as a trip to Disney World, because none of them so thoroughly highlight exactly how far I now am from childhood. Also because there is something a little weird about a grown man going there by himself multiple times a year. Life’s a delicate balance and I tend to trample all over it like I’ve got big dumb elephant stumps.
But yeah, that’s my Monday. How about yours? Hopefully the team you hate more lost the game last night and all the ads brought a smile to your heart. If they didn’t, maybe these tweets will. Only you know the answer to that. Read ‘em and see how you feel. We’re here to help.
all broke dudes secretly want to do comedy and all rich dudes secretly want to be president. there is exactly one man who is safe to date and if he finds or loses $5 it’s all over
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) January 29, 2019
the notion of taxing the super rich may not be as popular as it it should be because respect, admiration and empathy for the wealthy continues to be so deeply engrained in our culture, along with the hope that we too can be like them one day. Anyway I’m an Ariel. pic.twitter.com/LxlOQqY0lG
— julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) February 2, 2019
If you’re a billionaire thinking about running for president, just become a Batman instead
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) February 1, 2019
Everything they had heard about the dishwasher was true. pic.twitter.com/jGgqzbffgI
— the sarah graham (@essgee1966) January 31, 2019
why doesn’t that racist governor guy just switch parties so he doesn’t have to resign
— blaine capatch (@blainecapatch) February 2, 2019
the american dream is to be a fat stupid husband with a sexy hot wife
— Annie (@waif0000) February 1, 2019
Best part of S&L is Week & Update.
— James Urbaniak (@JamesUrbaniak) January 31, 2019
This Porzingis trade means the Knicks have enough money this offseason to pursue 2 or even 3 new PR people to explain why they didn’t sign Kevin Durant
— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) January 31, 2019
they should add new rules to Groundhogs day this year!! what if, they put out a red pill & a blue pill…if da groundhog eats da red pill? da Supreme Court gets replaced by Ben Shapiro & 6 UFC fighters. BUT if it goes for da blue pill…Cardi B & da Queer Eye guys!! #GroundhogsDay
— Dan Licata (@danlicatasucks) January 30, 2019
Come play golf with me and learn about aliens and time traveling
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 2, 2019
look, Schultz had one brilliant insight in his life: that if you open a milkshake shop but pad it with earth tones and the NYTimes and Jazz CDs and put espresso in the milkshakes, drinking milkshakes at 7am will, somehow, be socially acceptable. This is it. $3.4B for this.
— Adam H. Johnson (@adamjohnsonNYC) January 29, 2019
It’s hilarious that you can be a billionaire and think to yourself, “hmm… I don’t think I have enough – I should be president of america” but then when people ask for basic healthcare it’s like, “whoa entitled much?”
— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) January 29, 2019
I forced a bot to watch over 1,000 hours of Great British Bake-Off episodes and then asked it to write a Great British Bake-Off episode of its own. Here is the first page. pic.twitter.com/OUUqjcxBwC
— Eli Yudin (@eliyudin) January 31, 2019
Pete Davidson is going through A List actresses like napkins, meanwhile brilliant female comedians are trying to explain to our 9,000th unemployed tinder date that “I’m not too intimidating, I swear!” and that no, he could not “probably do comedy” if he tried it. https://t.co/IGNycPk6Kj
— How To Be Alone (by me Lane Moore) is out now (@hellolanemoore) February 2, 2019
I don’t want to hear from 2020 candidates who think Donald Trump’s “heart” is anything other than a dirty, little hairball vomited up by a demon during a bout of severe acid reflux
— Lauren Duca (@laurenduca) February 3, 2019
Two things about me:
1) The older I get the more I like Bruce Springsteen
2) Bruce Springsteen songs make me horny to either drive or fuck my car— Townes Van Xanax (@mattytalks) February 2, 2019
white people be calling their grandparents bingo and bappo
— Mr. Fuck (@gewqk) February 2, 2019
Blackface is never necessary, but in this instance it was really not necessary. pic.twitter.com/pxzZzUyTYP
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 2, 2019
I don’t care who the new Batman is as long as his parents are murdered.
— guterman (@danguterman) February 2, 2019
To be clear, when I search for a recipe online what I’m REALLY looking for is a lengthy, detailed memoir of a basic woman’s journey to get the best version of said recipe, and if there’s not three jokes about wine or licking the spoon per paragraph I’m out
— Alice Wetterlund (@alicewetterlund) February 2, 2019
Duh. This would require him to have his father’s number pic.twitter.com/7mNqWV27fE
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) January 31, 2019
People have been doubting my commitment, and to them I say: No days off. pic.twitter.com/yC2xipc5nr
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) January 31, 2019
My son just knocked on my bedroom door and asked if I knew where his kombucha was while I was in there trying to masturbate. I think we got Freaky Friday’d.
— Sarah Wine-Thyre (@SarahThyre) February 3, 2019
i am on tonights episode of Crashing!! i get my foot crushed in a freight elevator so Pete takes my headlining spot at a megachurch, then after da show he has sex w/ my mom (played by my real mom)
— Dan Licata (@danlicatasucks) February 3, 2019