This week posed the evergreen question: how the hell does Facebook still exist? Zuckerberg’s pseudo-noble free speech crusade and the 800th Democratic debate were all the talk of Twitter, a completely normal and not toxic at all website. Like many of us, the reason we can’t quit social media (other than a crippling addition) is because we need it for work. Thanks, Zuck! Totally glad this has become interwoven into the fabric of our personal and professional lives. Through all the crap, we still get some lovely gems. Let’s help you cut through the muck for this week’s funniest tweets that have nothing to do with the last debate (yes, they were hard to find).
stop asking gay men “who’s the woman in the relationship” !! it’s carly rae jepsen
— danny devito with titties (@fakedannydevito) October 12, 2019
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman) October 16, 2019
Oh my god pic.twitter.com/g1KnmABqB6
— reid (@thereidfeed) October 17, 2019
enjoy your “healthy relationship” with your “parents” while I get to be hilarious and sexy
— (@cis_jenner) October 14, 2019
I don’t know which Property Brother is which, but I know one of them seems like he fucks WAY more than the other one
— Langston Kerman (@LangstonKerman) October 16, 2019
Types of comedians:
sketchstandupimprovguy who’s constantly fighting with people on Twitter
– mimes— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) October 17, 2019
When I was growing up my mom was a nurse and my dad delivered pizzas. Basically I couldn’t enjoy like 80% of the porn.
— Jesse Case (@jessecase) October 17, 2019
No matter where they are, straight boys will find a way to do a pull-up.
— Joel Kim Booster (@ihatejoelkim) October 13, 2019
When someone asks
“How’s it going?” pic.twitter.com/jFgpURCgA6— Barry Harper (@barryjohnharper) October 15, 2019
the craigslist casual encounters section was also invented to give people a voice during the iraq war
— ‘Weird Alex’ Pareene (@pareene) October 17, 2019
Are we sure it wasn’t Justin Trudeau? https://t.co/XIquef9Am2
— maple cocaine (@maplecocaine) October 16, 2019
I’m going to start throwing in a Spanish word every once and a while just for divertido.
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) October 16, 2019
is there rehab for gossiping? i don’t need it but I’ll tell you who does…
— Jen Statsky (@jenstatsky) October 17, 2019
Natalie Portman is what happens when Wynona Rider keeps her shit together and honestly? No thank you.
— Taylor Ortega (@taylor_ortega) October 13, 2019
[guy who’s about to invent croutons]
eating salad i wish this hurt
— Scary Terry F (@daemonic3) October 16, 2019
Your body is a wonderland but your personality is Knott’s Scary Farm.
— Jenny Jaffe (@jennyjaffe) October 18, 2019
I hate Halloween. How dare these children force me, an adult, to have candy in my home when I have absolutely no self control
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 18, 2019
Life was so much more simpler before the internet, it was a big deal that Jewel was from Alaska!
— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) October 17, 2019
Halloween twitter names are fun for like a week then I am like okay who is “Pumpkin Spice Necrophiliac”
— Julia Claire (@ohJuliatweets) October 18, 2019
Instead of tracking my period just track what time of the month I “get the idea” to get an MFA in creative writing.
— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) October 17, 2019