I actually tried avoiding the internet last week, social media in particular. Things were going pretty well too—I finally got some long overdue writing done and made some progress in Breath of the Wild). About two hours after my decision to live on-the-prairie style, I realized that all 7 of my jobs/gigs take place online, and that if I wanted to eat/pay rent/exist in Los Angeles, I’d have to break digital edge. So here they are, from the sweat of my brow, the funniest tweets ever, of all time, last week.
Every Republican editorial is like, “While I spoke out against Donald Trump running over children with a car during the campaign, now that he has run over children with a car, it’s time for Democrats to be more civil”
New flirt, when someone starts telling you about ‘A Star is Born’ just ask them when their birthday is and then say “that’s when the real star was born”
Overheard a girl at a cafe saying she couldn’t get dessert because she’s “trying to be good.” Sis the world is constantly 30 minutes away from imploding, get yourself a cookie
Quick heads up the title “A Star Is Born” is entirely metaphorical, there are no graphic shots of a full grown Lady Gaga coming out of a vagina. Feel like I wasted 12 bucks
-Get a cast of about 6, all white, one ethnic -They’re middle class but visually will appear very rich -Make it about friends finding themselves in a big city -Make it effervescently sad -Name it something very vague like “Now We’re Here”
Win all the Emmys
— Dewayne “Not Dwayne” Perkins (@DewaynePerkins) October 8, 2018
Brett Kavanaugh is 100% gonna ask Justice Sotomayor to fetch him coffee.
the old Jewish lady with very large nipples and a buzz cut that taught a course on sucking dick on an episode of real@sex that I jacked off to in college https://t.co/FD8wuouq6b
