The Funniest Tweets of the Week
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The NBA is back, baby! It’s been a hell of a week for sports fans and the fourth week in October for people who say “sportsball” every Sunday. The Nationals took a commanding lead in the World Series, Zlatan lost a soccer game was very “not mad” about it, Sam Kerr and the Chicago Red Stars qualified for their first NWSL Championship appearance, and Kyrie Irving dropped 50 points in his debut with the Brooklyn Nets debut and still lost, a true New York story. Anyway, here’s a bunch of tweets by the funniest people still on Twitter that have nothing to do with any of that.
Comedy room : stays up until 3 am producing a script with 145 meticulously-crafted, hard-fought jokes borne of the writers collective adolescent misery
Audience: Fuck off
Drama room: patrick Dempsey says “that went well”
Audience: Thunderous laughter, Emmy nominations.— Matt Hubbard (@mrhubbard00) October 19, 2019
[Talking to my daughters prom date with a shotgun on my lap] “If you don’t take good care of my daughter tonight I am going to kill myself”
— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) October 18, 2019
Being in your mid thirties is making plans with friends and saying, “FYI, I’ll be in sweats.”
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) October 19, 2019
I’m big on cancelling plans unless it’s with a boy who doesn’t care if I live or die
— ellory smith spooky & hot (@ellorysmith) October 21, 2019
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”