The NBA is back, baby! It’s been a hell of a week for sports fans and the fourth week in October for people who say “sportsball” every Sunday. The Nationals took a commanding lead in the World Series, Zlatan lost a soccer game was very “not mad” about it, Sam Kerr and the Chicago Red Stars qualified for their first NWSL Championship appearance, and Kyrie Irving dropped 50 points in his debut with the Brooklyn Nets debut and still lost, a true New York story. Anyway, here’s a bunch of tweets by the funniest people still on Twitter that have nothing to do with any of that.
Comedy room : stays up until 3 am producing a script with 145 meticulously-crafted, hard-fought jokes borne of the writers collective adolescent misery Audience: Fuck off Drama room: patrick Dempsey says “that went well” Audience: Thunderous laughter, Emmy nominations.
Millennials, quit whining. I paid off $150,000 in student loans and own a $400,000 home, because I SAVE. It’s not that hard. I -Make coffee at home -Bus instead of Uber -Shop sales -Had parents pay off my loans & buy me a house because I’m daddy’s special boy -Got Hulu with ads
30 YEAR OLD TV WRITER: My show is a neon-colored teen drama about a group of polyamorous high schoolers, obsessed with sexting and sending nudes, who must solve a murder after their best friend dies at a sex party.
after the internet: OH HELL YEAH KING SPIT ON ME, CHOKE ME, TAKE MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD & STEAL MY IDENTITY, LIGHT ME ON FIRE, RUN ME OVER W/ UR PRIUS, WRING YOUR SWEATY T-SHIRT OVER MY OPEN MOUTH, BURY ME ALIVE IN A SHALLOW GRAVE
i hate quiet sex. tell me you gone kill me or something damn
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what’s the most divorced thing i’ve ever done? was it smoking a cigarette out of a long holder? was it snapping a silver compact mirror shut and saying Terrific? repurposing all my lingerie as daywear? telling my australian plumber that he looks ‘awfully strong’?
It is now the day after my birthday and I Am sad that I can no longer get attention because it is my birthday and have to go back to getting attention because I demand it
