The Funniest Tweets of the Week
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The NBA is back, baby! It’s been a hell of a week for sports fans and the fourth week in October for people who say “sportsball” every Sunday. The Nationals took a commanding lead in the World Series, Zlatan lost a soccer game was very “not mad” about it, Sam Kerr and the Chicago Red Stars qualified for their first NWSL Championship appearance, and Kyrie Irving dropped 50 points in his debut with the Brooklyn Nets debut and still lost, a true New York story. Anyway, here’s a bunch of tweets by the funniest people still on Twitter that have nothing to do with any of that.
Comedy room : stays up until 3 am producing a script with 145 meticulously-crafted, hard-fought jokes borne of the writers collective adolescent misery
Audience: Fuck off
Drama room: patrick Dempsey says “that went well”
Audience: Thunderous laughter, Emmy nominations.— Matt Hubbard (@mrhubbard00) October 19, 2019
[Talking to my daughters prom date with a shotgun on my lap] “If you don’t take good care of my daughter tonight I am going to kill myself”
— Sam Saulsbury (@SamuelSaulsbury) October 18, 2019
Being in your mid thirties is making plans with friends and saying, “FYI, I’ll be in sweats.”
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) October 19, 2019
I’m big on cancelling plans unless it’s with a boy who doesn’t care if I live or die
— ellory smith spooky & hot (@ellorysmith) October 21, 2019
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) October 21, 2019
Millennials, quit whining. I paid off $150,000 in student loans and own a $400,000 home, because I SAVE. It’s not that hard. I
-Make coffee at home
-Bus instead of Uber
-Shop sales
-Had parents pay off my loans & buy me a house because I’m daddy’s special boy
-Got Hulu with ads— PolterGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 21, 2019
30 YEAR OLD TV WRITER: My show is a neon-colored teen drama about a group of polyamorous high schoolers, obsessed with sexting and sending nudes, who must solve a murder after their best friend dies at a sex party.
ACTUAL TEEN: is a virgin that watches The Office
— Gonzalo Cordova (@GonzaloRCordova) October 22, 2019
before the internet: he’s cute.
after the internet: OH HELL YEAH KING SPIT ON ME, CHOKE ME, TAKE MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD & STEAL MY IDENTITY, LIGHT ME ON FIRE, RUN ME OVER W/ UR PRIUS, WRING YOUR SWEATY T-SHIRT OVER MY OPEN MOUTH, BURY ME ALIVE IN A SHALLOW GRAVE
— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) October 21, 2019
i hate quiet sex. tell me you gone kill me or something damn
—
what’s the most divorced thing i’ve ever done? was it smoking a cigarette out of a long holder? was it snapping a silver compact mirror shut and saying Terrific? repurposing all my lingerie as daywear? telling my australian plumber that he looks ‘awfully strong’?
— rax king (@RaxKingIsDead) October 21, 2019
(@lahftrs) October 22, 2019
Chaka Khan https://t.co/0eU9uz1kPl
— Go Gina (@__TheArtOf) October 22, 2019
Dollywood should have a walk around character of Jolene who flirts with all the dads.
— Mark Rennie (@markrennie) October 22, 2019
Oh you love therapy? Name three good therapists in my area and what insurance they take
— Nick Lehmann (@NickStopTalking) October 23, 2019
Dating is just somebody revealing the grosser parts of themselves little by little until you say “ok that’s enough” or “ok this forever”
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) October 23, 2019
It is now the day after my birthday and I Am sad that I can no longer get attention because it is my birthday and have to go back to getting attention because I demand it
— your dad’s new girlfriend (@nwalks) October 24, 2019
being mean is like ok congratulations you have what it takes to be in 7th grade
— Eva Victor (@evaandheriud) October 24, 2019
Nothing that any director has said about a Marvel movie is nearly as mean as Gwyneth Paltrow’s refusal to remember which ones she’s in.
— Mark Harris (@MarkHarrisNYC) October 22, 2019
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
— wolf pupy (@wolfpupy) October 23, 2019
My father was killed by the monster mash you son of a bitch
— Dr. Pumpkin Spiceotope (@BuckyIsotope) October 25, 2019
Gay guys bravely wearing one dangly earring pic.twitter.com/pCIb1VWM1V
— m a x w i t t e r t (@waxmittert) October 22, 2019
I wonder what Zuckerberg will do when Facebook is broken up since he already has bangs
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) October 25, 2019