The Unicorn Frappuccino Is Exactly What We Need Right Now

By now, you’ve probably heard about the Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino. The elusive, flavor-changing, multi-colored beverage has taken the internet by storm this week and frankly, this is exactly what we needed. The hype around the Unicorn Frappuccino is a welcomed distraction from our world’s perpetual feed of lunacy.

Some of you (…a lot of you) might have tried it already, but if you haven’t, don’t fret. You’re missing out on nothing but a prismatic fad with an imminent expiration date. I valiantly volunteered as tribute, Katniss-style, to try the drink so now, you don’t have to. You’re better than drinking the Unicorn Frappuccino. Trust me.

Never in my life have I felt more like a basic bitch than waiting in line at the Decatur drive-thru Starbucks for a drink named after a horse with a horn, nestled between a Wal-Mart and an LA Fitness in pure, suburban glory. All that was in between me and my mission was the line of 10 cars ahead of me.

The stuff I do for @PasteMagazine, y’all. pic.twitter.com/YqIhcorLF9

— annie black (@helloannieblack) April 20, 2017

The Starbucks girl laughed as I ordered the drink and I was worried she could hear the mild trepidation in my voice. I’m a black-coffee-drinking girl. Ordering something named after a mythical creature is not really in my repertoire. I couldn’t tell if the she was laughing at me, or if she was laughing to hide her disdain. Because surely, the Unicorn Frappuccino is a major pain-in-the-ass for hard-working Starbucks baristas.

When it comes to the aesthetic, this Frappuccino is A+ work. Truthfully, I think the entire premise was designed specifically for Instagram. Just search for #unicornfrappuccino if you don’t believe me. While (thankfully) the drink doesn’t look like a blended unicorn might resemble if a) it were real and b) it were being eaten, it’s more like what a unicorn might enjoy for dessert, if, you know, a) it were real and b) it was hungry. The sprinkles were a nice touch, though I’m jealous for anyone who got the blue ones too— mine were just pink.

The taste is a different story entirely. In theory, it was supposed to change flavors in some sort of contrived psychedelia, which I guess it sort of did, that is, if you were partaking in certain 4/20 activities. (If you’re wondering, I wasn’t. I’m a professional. Obviously.) If you’re jonesing for a flavor that vaguely resembles a strawberry shortcake ice cream bar for a couple of sips and the sour blue raspberry powder in a Fun Dip for the rest, then this is most definitely for you. If you were hoping for something more substantial than artificial fruit flavoring and a seemingly-neverending Flintstone Vitamin aftertaste, you might as well give it a hard pass.

The Unicorn Frappuccino will not change the world, but it is giving us something to talk about other than the cataclysmal state of our being. If you’d like to try for yourself, the Unicorn Frappuccino is sticking around until April 23rd. After that, it will return to the land of dreams and nonexistence, just like its namesake.

Annie Black is Paste Magazine’s Social Media Manager. She will never try anything Unicorn-themed ever again. Follow her on Twitter: @helloannieblack.