Cooking The Simpsons: Good Morning Burger

If you’ve been thinking that it’s been a while seen we’ve had an extra glutinous, ridiculous calorie-bomb recipe on Cooking The Simpsons, I got you. This one’s for the true carnivores out there (if you’re a heartfelt vegetarian, you may want to avert your eyes), and it comes from the perfection that is season three.

“Bart’s Friend Falls in Love” begins with a rollicking tribute to Indiana Jones. Bart steals Homer’s jar of pennies and is pursued by a rolling boulder and angry natives, all played expertly by Homer in a towel. On the bus, Milhouse has a brand new 8-ball that provides some foreshadowing for the episode—the two best buds won’t even be friends by the end of the day. Soon after we meet new kid Samantha Stankey, and Milhouse falls for her right away. They make loving eyes while the sex ed film (featuring Troy McClure of course) “Fuzzy Bunny’s Guide to You Know What” plays, ending with the wise words “and now that you know how it’s done… don’t do it.”

Soon after Bart catches Milhouse and Samantha kissing in the tree house and is super grossed out. Having discovered kissing, Milhouse can’t focus on anything but his girlfriend. Bart, hurt by the loss of his best friend, tells Samantha’s strict dad what the lovebirds have been doing. He carts Samantha away to a Catholic all-girls’ school, and Milhouse sinks into a deep despair (“We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy”). Bart eventually confesses that he was the snitch, and, after a good wrestle, the two work it out and go visit Samantha at school.

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Meanwhile, what are the rest of the Simpsons up to? Lisa becomes extra worried about Homer’s weight and convinces Marge to order him subliminal weight loss tapes. The company send vocab-builder tapes instead, and rather than lose weight Homer gains a most grandiloquent way of speaking. Mmm… grandiloquent. After ditching the tapes, he goes right back to good old Homer, asking Marge “Where’s that metal dealy? That you use to… dig… food.” (He means a spoon.)

I know, I haven’t even mentioned something that would warrant a recipe yet. The dish this month isn’t actually eaten in the episode, but does make an appearance and it is very Simpsons. While Homer is lying on the couch with a beer resting on his belly watching TV, a commercial comes on narrated by a sexy female voice. A burger is magically assembled before your eyes:

“We take 18 ounces of sizzling ground beef and soak it in rich, creamery butter. Then we top it off with bacon, ham and a fried egg. We call it the Good Morning Burger.”

Homer drools, Lisa worries, and on the episode goes. But what if we made that monstrosity of a burger? Good/gross morning indeed!

The burger seems pretty straightforward except for the size of the burger patty. Eighteen ounces?? That’s over a pound of beef. That’s over four times the size of a normal burger, and wouldn’t fit on a bun/a plate/in your mouth. It would make the fried egg on top look comically small. So I didn’t use 18 ounces of beef (I’m sorry if you’re disappointed, but come on). Otherwise I did exactly as the commercial said and piled meat on top of meat on top of meat. Want to have the most artery-clogging breakfast ever? Here you go! You’re welcome and also I’m sorry.

Oh, and another commercial is featured in this episode with the same smoky-voiced narration, just in case you want a little dessert after your meaty meal. Although I can’t figure out how it’d end up as anything but a chocolate bar dripping with butter.

“We start with pure milk chocolate, add a layer of farm-fresh honey, and then we sprinkle on four kinds of sugar and dip it in rich, creamery butter.”

Good Morning Burger
Serves 1 Homer

8 ounces ground chuck
1 egg yolk
Salt and pepper
2 tablespoons rich, creamery butter
2 slices bacon, cooked crisp
1 thick slice ham, lightly cooked on both sides in a pan to warm through
1 egg, fried
1 hamburger bun
1 container of antacids*

1. In a bowl, use your hands to mix the ground beef, egg yolk, and salt and pepper. Form into a single, tight patty, about ½” wider than the bun all around.
2. Heat a skillet over medium-high heat. Add the butter. Once melted and hot, add the burger. Cook for about 5 minutes per side, or to your desired doneness.
3. Meanwhile, prepare the bun on a plate. Once done, add the patty and top with the remaining butter form the pan.
4. Top with the bacon, ham, egg, and finally the top bun. Try to fit it in your mouth (I suggest you wear a bib for this one).

*technically optional but highly recommended.

Laurel Randolph is a food and lifestyle writer hailing from Tennessee and living in Los Angeles. She enjoys cooking, baking and candlestick making. Tweet at her face:
@laurelrandy; .