“Trumpy Bear,” an Extremely Real Product, Heralds the End of Days (Updated)

Update, Nov. 14: Fox News Senior Vice President of Eastern Sales Dom Rossi has shared the following statement with Paste in regard to Trumpy Bear:

This was a local ad purchase with the cable operator. We do not do business with them nationally.

Original Story: Fox News viewers got an even stranger-than-usual blast of absurdity this morning with an ad for Trumpy Bear, a 22-inch stuffed bear with the 45th President’s orange combover and crotch-length red ties, pulling the American flag out of its (his?) backside.

Here’s the extended version of the Trumpybear commercial.
Prepare for your mind to be beeeelown.#Mondaymorning#mondaymotivationpic.twitter.com/F2ayup96gF

— Holly Figueroa O’Reilly (@AynRandPaulRyan) November 12, 2018

Both Snopes and NRA shill Dana Loesch took to Twitter to address whether “Trumpy Bear” was a real product available for purchase using actual U.S. currency. Turns out it’s been around since 2017, and even comes with its own “Certificate of Authenticity,” although it doesn’t bear (no pun intended) the President’s copyrighted MAGA hat.

Yes, it’s real. No, we don’t know why.https://t.co/kV9FtG2hsl

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— snopes.com (@snopes) November 12, 2018

This is an actual product?https://t.co/DgfLwv5CyWhttps://t.co/wY6ZcwRoAA

— Dana Loesch (@DLoesch) November 12, 2018

The commercial opens with a majestic poem in the style of the President’s prose, honoring his penchant for nonsense symbolism and capitalizing random words. “I come when the Trumpet sounds,” the voiceover goes. “I am the Storm, the great American grizzly.” (The bear is the storm?)

Trumpy Bear, which as a precaution we certainly wouldn’t recommend feeding after midnight, was “born on Flag Day,” and has touched the lives of all the small business owners and golfers caught under its (his?) spell.

Words fail to describe the oddity of the whole affair, although it certainly feels like some sort of milestone for American late capitalism.

You can get your own Trumpy Bear for just two easy payments of $19.95, plus shipping and handling, at GetTrumpyBear.com, although you may want to avoid using any actual personal information on that site.

Considering “Trumpy Bear” is making the rounds again (it’s not new), let me point out that this product is basically a trial balloon on behalf of marketers trying to snag the data of the stupidest people imaginable so that they can sell them even dumber stuff… and it’ll work.

— Caroline McCarthy (@caro) November 12, 2018