It brings me great pleasure to announce that we have arrived once again at Monday morning. After a long weekend of lazing about, workers of the world may now recommence the world’s work. Finally the mighty train of Business begins its long journey to the distant station of Friday, carrying with it a precious cargo of goods and services. “Chug-chug, chug-chug,” goes the train. In lieu of payment, here are some tweets for your journey. God bless:
henry viii: i just beheaded my wife
henry viii: :((((
henry viii: ? thread of my new church’s rules ?
— gemma loves elly (@spaceboundsean) February 13, 2018
Baby Boomers: You young people should rebel against society like we did!
Millennials: Okay, I don’t fit into a rigid gender binary, I’m not strictly heterosexual or monogamous, and I think we need to dismantle capitalism and kyriarchy
Baby Boomers: no not like that https://t.co/L74CkWNfzR
— she likes cloth (@Doubting_Tom) February 15, 2018
Loving the very natural escalation of these three personal facts about Adam Rippon pic.twitter.com/BUOQM37Xuy
— Ava Wallace (@avarwallace) February 16, 2018
— ruben????ferdinand (@urbanfriendden) February 16, 2018
Garfield is a cat and doesn’t have a job. The only ostensible difference between Monday and any other day is that Jon suddenly isn’t around after having been home all weekend. Garfield doesn’t hate Mondays, he loves Jon and is too proud to say it.
— Colley (@JamColley) February 18, 2018
— ????Pirate Utopia???? (@ms_demeanor_) February 17, 2018
WRITER: Here is my essay “The Masses Must Listen to my Wisdom, They Are Stupid”
MASSES: Fuck you
WRITER: Society is breaking down. That will be the subject of my next essay— MKupperman (@MKupperman) February 18, 2018
the IRA’s warning to thatcher after they narrowly failed to kill her in the brighton bombing has somehow leaked into inspirational american facebook as a thatcher quote pic.twitter.com/VOEZvLqJWf
— bgreysk (@bgreysk) February 17, 2018
does he think diet coke is supposed to alleviate hunger (????) pic.twitter.com/EAUqxVMtOf
— jon hendren (@fart) February 18, 2018
I’ve read all four KISS autobiographies and it’s the stupidest possible Rashomon.
— brans????n reese (@bransonreese) February 17, 2018
I don’t know that I could ever write a musical, because whenever I hear “I Dreamed A Dream” I think that there must be a better way to phrase that
— rachel andelman (@rajandelman) February 16, 2018
— blake waldorf ? (@almondtears) February 15, 2018
I made this for myself but maybe you might like it too pic.twitter.com/ktNYgdH16v
— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) February 15, 2018
Hmm… one of life’s greatest questions, with one of life’s easiest answers. pic.twitter.com/HVnk0oOSVi
— Sean O’Connor (@seanoconnz) February 16, 2018
I just want everyone to know somebody told me Jamie Foxx was in the movie Call Me By Your Name and I watched the whole movie waiting for him show up and wondering how they were gonna make Jamie Foxx fit into the plot.
— DigitalBridget ???????? (@BridgetMarie) February 16, 2018
“Horses are just really big dogs”
“You fucking idiot”
“Wow, interesting how you choose to attack me instead of engaging my argument in the marketplace of ideas”— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) February 13, 2018
Jim Jefferies, watch out, your newspaper is ON FIRE!! pic.twitter.com/GgBf5Qsazg
— Django Gold (@django) February 15, 2018
— MK III* (@mxblacks) February 13, 2018
Hey gang, Ozymandias here! Thanks as always for looking on my works, and if you liked what you saw don’t forget to click “Despair!”
— Brennan Lee Mulligan (@BrennanLM) February 12, 2018
“there’s a lot to unpack here” is the academic equivalent of “yikes”
— paper bag (@eggsandbread) February 17, 2018
— bletchley punk (@alicegoldfuss) February 12, 2018
[twitter moments page]
this man licked a juicy potato, and people are here for it…
hilary duff’s cousin has a breadboard, and fans can’t get enough…
there’s a dog that solves crimes, and some people aren’t impressed
btw cape town has no clean water
— the banana situation (@trojansauce) February 12, 2018
i can’t relate to anyone who thinks political disagreements shouldn’t ruin friendships. we could get nuked at any point i’m not making time for catch-up brunches with My High School Algebra Classmate Who Thinks Welfare Is For Lazy People
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) February 16, 2018
Bari Weiss made Olympic history by being the first U.S. woman to triple double down on a bad tweet https://t.co/8f8w700JSG
— Kevin Nguyen (@knguyen) February 12, 2018
The key to surviving on this website is to cultivate a persona so cloaked in layers of irony that few of your peers can tell what you mean most of the time, if they’re even paying you any attention at all, which they aren’t.
— willy ???? (@willystaley) February 12, 2018
Made a guide to help remember which Olympics is which pic.twitter.com/4A2kHY0seg
— Zach Dunn (@ZachBDunn) February 13, 2018
dammit George pic.twitter.com/OdahxzqlZa
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) February 18, 2018
— NYT editor who thinks she can just ‘ref hamilton’ (@thetomzone) February 13, 2018
sorry pic.twitter.com/ApQYOf5XF7
— Shoshana Weissmann, Sloth Committee Chair (@senatorshoshana) February 12, 2018
man I had no idea you could buy this. I’ve just been using drugs and alcohol pic.twitter.com/RziVhnvoY3
— Jenna-Claire (@jennaaclaire) February 12, 2018