The Funniest Tweets of the Week
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‘Tis the season for impeachment. Ole no.45 got impeached this week to give us all a sweet little holiday treat to enjoy before the senate ruins all our fun. But Trump wasn’t the only orange nightmare to envelop the online discourse this week, the Cats embargo lifted around the same time the big news dropped with film critics assuring us the film is a bonkers as the trailer made it look. What’s harder to look at, Mr. Mistoffelees or Mitch McConnell? I’m not sure but I do know that the following were the best tweets of the week.
cats can have a little salami https://t.co/Kk4OzCe7YO
— ts daphne (@imp_kid) December 17, 2019
my time at work is spent trying to figure out what everyone does and also what i do
— amelia elizalde (@ameliaelizalde) December 17, 2019
all Americans owe a debt of gratitude to John McCain for the years of degradation and psychological torment he endured spending time with his daughter
— Django Gold (@django) December 17, 2019
Here’s a renactnent of my weekend spent in my hometown:
Them: Where do you perform stand up comedy?
Me: Literally anywhere.
Them: Oh, so at the Comedy Cellar?
Me: No, not there.
— Irene Fagan Merrow (@_irenemerrow) December 15, 2019
men be like girls are so much drama like theyre not friends with 3 rapists
— sham (@mahsyako) December 16, 2019
disappointing that Rey insists on fighting Kylo Ren with a lightsaber instead of defeating him in the marketplace of ideas
— graham ross techler (@gr8h8m_t3chl3r) December 17, 2019
Hmm good tweet, but I hate you for reasons I don’t remember, so I won’t be giving it a fave
— Stirg (@Carzonfye) December 17, 2019
anxiety: aren’t you like…worried?
me: about what?
anxiety: i don’t know
me: oh my god you’re right, thanks for reminding me
— (@IovelyAna) December 15, 2019
I have a history of melanoma AND now a vitamin D deficiency—upon learning this I told my doctor I was “locked in a deadly, poetic dance with the Sun.” He said “sure.”
— julio torres ~* (@juliothesquare) December 17, 2019
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
— Max Barth (@HeIsMaxBarth) December 15, 2019
Unpopular opinion: I think mansplaining is cute. Sometimes I tell a guy my name and then say…am I pronouncing that correctly?
— Bonnie McFarlane (@bonniemcfarlane) December 18, 2019
Why’d i just get an amber alert for regular snow? What’s a snow squall? And why do I get constipated if I haven’t cried in a long time? What the fuck is going on there??
— rosebud baker (@rosebudbaker) December 18, 2019
The whole point of astrology is to imagine ur fighting with someone which is why I love it
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) December 18, 2019
WOKE 34 YEAR OLD NERD: i love new star wars
REDPILL 34 YEAR OLD NERD: i hate new star wars
ME: gentlemen, please, let’s focus on something you both love…wearing a t-shirt with a blazer— Andrew Durso (@andrew_durso) December 18, 2019
Remember ladies you haven’t “gained weight” til someone notices
— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) December 18, 2019
The L Word is a reflection of my queerness in that it is boring and not nearly as horny as it was 10 years ago
— Sarah Pappalardo (@yourpappalardo) December 16, 2019
My friend told me I couldn’t complain about my body because “it’s not that bad” which is worse than anything I was said.
— Hanna Dickinson (@hansdickie) December 19, 2019
In this instance, Impeachment is you and ya homegirls having all the evidence that ya man is cheating but to break up with him you gotta convince a jury of his frat brothers (who was there with him cheating) that your man is a cheater https://t.co/DPL0TFDwJ8
— Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi (@roywoodjr) December 19, 2019
I don’t have a great personality but I do at least have an overly complicated Subway order.
— Paula Skaggs (@paulaskaggs) December 19, 2019
somebody break my heart before adele puts out new music. her other albums almost killed me and I want this one to finish the job.
— (@calebsaysthings) December 19, 2019