This week people tweeted about the last episodes of ESPN’s Michael Jordan documentary. This week people tweeted about Twitter’s new “no reply” feature. This week people tweeted about how HBO Max is going to #ReleaseTheSnyderCut of the Justice League movie. This week people tweeted about Animal Crossing, what games they liked as a kid, and about the coronavirus and the quarantine and how incredibly weird everything still is. And yes, of course, this week people tweeted about Donald Trump and his reactions to the coronavirus and his narcissism and his divisiveness and the unceasing torrents of bullshit that flow out of his mouth and Twitter feed. It was a typical week on Twitter.
A very small number of those tweets were funny. These are the best of them.
Who’s husky now b*tch https://t.co/TTm78W2jsU
— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) May 16, 2020
UNPOPULAR FILM OPINION – I didn’t actually think that train was going to come out of the screen and hit us. I ran out of there as a bit. Ask anyone.
— Andrew Christie (@thatAndrewC) May 16, 2020
Mark Mothersbaugh’s chubby pug passed out on his keyboard during an interview and honestly he’s a huge personal inspiration to me. pic.twitter.com/Yr9y3C8gsp
— Casey Malone (@CaseyMalone) May 16, 2020
the violent redistribution of wealth, also known as “forced sugar daddyification”
— TS Elliott Smith (@thedoomshine) May 16, 2020
Hey listen, you can shoot my baby with holy water filled super soaker but take your fucking shoes off in my house pic.twitter.com/qCtArlSz4M
— Diego Lopez (@thisdiegolopez) May 16, 2020
Imagine the crazy shit Meatloaf would do if he was in love with a Klondike bar.
— Mark Campbell (@themarkcampbell) May 17, 2020
Nobody:
Michael Jordan: so I took it personal…
— elku Black (@OGMelo_) May 18, 2020
Exciting news: I have been hired by the Vatican bank and Toyota to write and direct a catholic reboot of Highlander franchise for the catholic streaming service CBS all access that will serve as the third testament of the Bible. pic.twitter.com/UaJyaQ2pLF
— Conner O’Malley (@conner_omalley) May 18, 2020
WARNING: A CRAZY WHITE BOY HAS INVADED THE CHAT pic.twitter.com/grZ7yioew7
— brian fiddyment (@brian4showbizz) May 18, 2020
picking up girls at the club with the fellas. we adopt the formation of hannibal at cannae, our weak incels at the centre, the seasoned simps on the flanks. as the incels retreat our simps stand firm. our softboys close the gap, completing the encirclement. the women are furious
— fungbunger (@parsfarce) May 19, 2020
if I had to pick one aspect of Animal Crossing life and lore to bring to our reality, one solitary, nude man producing all of the music in the world would be high on my list
— M.U.G.E.N Thee Stallion (@alex_navarro) May 20, 2020
the last few months have just been an endless cycle of ordering bananas, being too sad or distracted to eat the bananas in time, watching the bananas go bad, making depression banana bread, eating that too fast, then ordering more bananas
— rachel syme (@rachsyme) May 20, 2020
It will be quite a moment when the next President unveils the official portrait of Donald Trump: a deepfake of his head superimposed on The Mountain from ‘Game of Thrones,’ about to crush the CNN logo on Oberyn Martell’s body
— James Poniewozik (@poniewozik) May 20, 2020
ben affleck already prepping for reshoots pic.twitter.com/MGa1HuYkz7
— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) May 20, 2020
I’m tired of the invisible enemy and would now like to find an invisible friend.
— Shane Schleger (@ShaneSchleger) May 20, 2020
Comedy is dead because I personally cannot go to a mic and discuss my ex wife
— Hana Michels (@HanaMichels) May 20, 2020
Twitter should have an option to make tweets that only your friends can see, like on LiveJournal. And there should be no character limit, like on LiveJournal. And there should be a separate field where you can add which Rilo Kiley song you’re currently listening to.
— Raphael Bob-Waksberg (@RaphaelBW) May 20, 2020
RELEASE THE ALL-JULIA JULIE & JULIA CUT
— Marc (@MarcSnetiker) May 20, 2020
Release the Schneider Cut pic.twitter.com/Vn6lyNUlBE
— ben schwartz (@benschwartz_) May 20, 2020
The day begins when I bring my charger from the bedroom into the couch area
— Natalie Walker (@nwalks) May 20, 2020
His new special is weird imo pic.twitter.com/tp86UouMde
— Contactless Comedian (@bryanyang) May 20, 2020
OMG LOL, my 4-year-old just put down her Legos and said, “99% of Trump voters are worse off in every way now, but still support him, taking solace in the hollow victory of communal racism as they are willingly robbed blind and stripped of their constitutional rights.”
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) May 21, 2020
i miss checking in to hotels and getting briefed on what the concept of a hotel is
— Luke Mones (@LukeMones) May 21, 2020
Trump says he tested “very positively” for covid-19 this morning, meaning negative.
— Felicia Sonmez (@feliciasonmez) May 21, 2020
What were your five favorite games growing up and why were they all Leisure Suit Larry
— Please donate to improvboston, thank you (@rajandelman) May 21, 2020
Gender reveal parties:
ExpensiveTackyGender isn’t binary anywayGander reveal parties:
Aww, hey lil goose
Wait are those teethOh shit it’s hissing
– Jfc it’s charging towards us RUN FOR YOUR L— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) May 21, 2020
I hope this email finds you living in a shotgun shack
I hope this email finds you in another part of the world
I hope this email finds you behind the wheel of a large automobile
I hope this email finds you in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife— Grace Segers (@Grace_Segers) May 22, 2020